


SKAM!

by nielwinkfiles



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: College, Coming Out, Gay, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Smoking, nielwink, references to religious beliefs, will add more tags later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-09-05 21:36:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 25,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20280196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nielwinkfiles/pseuds/nielwinkfiles
Summary: Yeah,  well... This is SKAM!The universe where a Park Jihoon and a Kang Daniel can be together.





	1. Saturday, 4:15pm

Saturday, 4:15 pm

Ping!

Heard that sound for the hundredth time today that sometimes… it just gets annoying.

What did I tweet again?

Oh… right…

**“who’s going?”**

@jouilynferolin: I am.

  
@AlpacaMinie: If there’ booze I’ll go

  
@MaysNoname: I might drop by ;)

  
@skycrapercloud: Hhhh I wanna go T-T but something is stopping me eottoke

I browsed through those responses as I try to rreply and ignore my friends’ messages

**Idiot Woojin**: Hey! Don’t forget to come, u shit!

**Vonnie**: Hey, don’t forget the party will start at 7pm. Bring your friends along.

**OxxxNxxGxxx**: Hey! Ji !!! What time are we going? Yasss! Baby!! Party here we comeeeee!!! Girls!! Here I comeeeee!  
Idiot Woojin: Yah! Stop that. Hahaha

  
**Xxxxx**: brought a surprise for you, guys! Hahaha

  
**Idiot Woojin**: THE?! Is it what I’m thinking?

  
**Xxxxxx**: ;)

  
**Idiot Woojin**: I love that you’re the worst animal in the planet, idiot! Hahaha

  
**Xxxxx**: My, my, such an intense love.

  
**Idiot Woojin**: I’m actually doing kissy faces right now. Hahaha

  
**Idiot Woojin**: Hoonie! Where are you?! Don’t go and ditch us like the last time.

  
**Idiot Woojin**: Get there by 8 or we’re not sharing weed. Hahahaha

  
_Sigh…_

  
I ignore the irritating notification pings on my phone as I stare at everyone at the park, the people having fun and watch the peace in their eyes.

I wonder why I felt like I could never have those kind of expressions.

Even those gays that the society condemned at one point look happy, even with those judgmental stares that they get from people who think of them as sex toys.

I wonder… how are they feeling?

Or are they even really happy….?

Is it because of the world’s attention that they are all coming out at once?

I can never figure them out.

Not that I need to.

Ping!

**Idiot Woojin**: Hey!

I know I can’t have peace in my life.

Not that I can run away from this.

I sigh for I don’t know how many times today already and reluctantly typed my reply.

**Me** to** Idiot Woojin**: Be there at 8.


	2. Sunday,  0:0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party lights are blinding, the sounds can make my eardrums bleed but this is the usual. This is my every weekend thing, sometimes, my daily routine.

Sunday 0:0

The party lights are blinding, the sounds can make my eardrums bleed but this is the usual. This is my every weekend thing, sometimes, my daily routine.

I was just casually sipping my alcohol with friends, nothing new… same old boring nights that it almost felt like a routine.

The music? It should have made feel that kind of rush where I just want to jump along with the rhythm. It should’ve made me euphoric, it should have made me feel alive… it should’ve made me feel like I’ve run a marathon, that kind of adrenaline… but it didn’t.

I couldn’t feel a thing, I am not excited with how every girls’ bodies dance in the crowd, how their whole anatomy bounce with the beat or how sexy the two girls kissing in front of us are, to the point of giving my friends a boner.

I’m just… I don’t know… chill? So chill that I actually miss how this scenes used to make me feel something.

But I know I can’t stop doing this, I know that no matter how boring this is, it’s better than being cooped up in our shared apartment filled with moans of my gay flatmate… definitely not the way I’d imagine my weekend.

And I guess, this is boring as hell but this is my haven.

So I smiled, laughed and joked with my three friends who look like they still enjoy this same old thing.

What can I do? Act like I too…was having the time of my life.

“Hey! Why are you looking so glum?”

_Damn! I guess I wasn’t subtle enough that even my idiot of a bestfriend can see that I’m about to sleep at this boring as hell of a party._

“Nothing. It’s just… the song. It wasn’t up to my tastes.”

I said, actually being honest, the song sucks, the party sucks, typical Vonnie way of handling things.

“Guys!! There are actual girls here!! What are you doing?! You should be jumping up with joy.”

Of course, always the loud Ong Seongwu who worshipped the ground every women walked on and actually studies their whole body like a fxckin’ biologist.

_He’s a pig, no wonder he’s a virgin_.

  
“Oh my god?! Look at that girl, I swear she has the biggest boobies I’ve seen in this party.”

  
He said in excitement, making everyone aware of his dirty thoughts…just…wow? I just wonder how did he became my friend.

Well, I glanced over my other friends, only to see them snickering…such an embarrassment.

_Why am I the only normal one here? Sigh._

I shook my head and chose to focus on my drink.

Well, it didn’t take a minute for the awkward atmosphere to break, and of course, my friend Seoungwu can’t stop his delusions.

“Guys, I swear, as soon as I came in she gave me this look like; ‘Who’s the hot guy over there?’” he said about another girl like the typical dickwad that he is.

“You sure she wasn’t thinking; ‘Why is he zoning out with such a dumb face?’” said Donghan shutting down whatever ideas my fool friend has.

No kidding, that made me laugh.

Woojin was silent though so I followed his gaze…

Yep, he’s definitely eye-fucking with someone.

And well… she’s hot, big tits, sexy curves and a drunk stranger, someone that looks like she can give my bestfriend a good fuck with no commitment.

I rolled my eyes as he smirked at my way and said, “So, who’s your target tonight?”

“I too saw that very not so child friendly stares” Donghan chimed in as he smirked at Woojin’s way and added. “She’s hot, man. Looks like you’ll have a good night.”

“Seriously, guys?” I told them, slightly disgusted and well, I also find it a bit funny.

“Yep~!”  
Woojin playfully responded.

Definitely a dickhead.

“You really won’t fuck her?” Seongwu asked

I want to barfed at that, “not even, she’s unfuckable.”

Woojin burst out laughing, “Seriously dude, not to burst your bubble but it’s her who thinks you’re unfuckable.”

“Seems to me it’s the right way to describe it” Donghan chimed in.

“So, who’s your target?” Woojin asked again.

That would've caught me off guard if I wasn’t used to this shitty way of life of fucking around.

“What, tonight?” I asked while looking for a girl I can use to make this night mission accomplished.

“Yeah.”

That’s when I saw her…a girl wearing black dress, sweet looking and having the time of her life. Partying hard yet still manage to look innocent, a typical freshman, I smiled and said, “That little brunette there.”  
“The brunette?” “In black cutesy dress?” they asked

“They all look the same to me.” said Seongwu, of course, there’s no way that shit can tell the difference.

“Can’t you give some details? Like her face or size of her boobs?” Woojin asked.

“Who cares about the size of her boobs, guys!”

“So? We don’t give a shit about her face either?” typical Donghan.

“Guys, I’m telling you, body is important.”

“Hey, I didn’t say that it isn’t.” I said laughing along with them, I guess I’m a shit too.

  
We were having our usual useless chatters when Donghan acted like he remembered something.

“Hey can you keep it?” he asked Woojin, trying to hand him the weed. 

“Dude, you know my mom doesn’t know the word ’privacy’. She’ll kill me it she ever find that.”

“Give it here.” Seongwu offered.

“Don’t take this the wrong way but I won’t even let you take care of my pen. Sorry.”

“Hey, Ji, the responsibility of safekeeping had been unanimously given to you, you have no choice but to take it.” Donghan said.

“sure, leave it here.” I said as I reach for it

“That should be shared amongst us, don’t you dare play with it alone.” Seongwu

“I wouldn't even finish it as much as I want to annoy you.” I said as I keep the weed in my pocket

Then suddenly.. . 

“Excuse me!! Oh my god!!! I’m sorry! Out of the way, please!”

Out of nowhere, a girl shouted. 

Oh…the girl earlier…

“Oh lala~” Woojin whistled as the commotion takes place. The girl he’s been eye-fucking the whole night is suddenly having a barfing session right in front of us.

Man, why did we choose a sink to chill in a party? Such a mystery.

Oh well, I can see my friends throwing me stares because that pretty girl in black dress earlier was with the barfing girl.

“Fuck! Rie!” she said.

Oh, so barfing girl actually has a name. Great Discovery, yey! Can we now skip this is what I want to ask.

“Ahmm. You’re friend..uhmm..doesn’t seem to be fine. Do you..uhm..need help?” Seongwu asked stuttering, like the typical virgin that he is who can only imagine himself smoothly talking with girls.

“Ah, I don’t know, maybe you could stop asking stupid questions?” oh, the girl snapped.

“Ah, alright, very direct and all, hello.” Donghan responded back actually offended at how she treated our friend. Well, I found that attitude irritating too.

  
“..ah, oh.. no…Hi, I’m sorry… It’s just that I didn’t expect my night to turn out this way…nothing against you.”

“It’s fine. But hey, your friend is drunk, we don’t care, it doesn’t have to ruin your night.”

I said through my smooth tongue and irresistible smile.

“Woojin, why don’t you take over for the young lady.”

And then I look at her, she gave me a warm smile, something you’d expect from some innocent first year.

“Lulu.”she said, “My name’s Lulu.”

“Lulu.... Very pretty..... name’s not bad either.” I said smiling at her, having our own little world.

“So, relax a bit Lulu?” I said as I hand her a smoke

She smiled as she took it.

My my…not so innocent, now.

“cough cough.”

I smiled. First timer.

“Let me show you how.”

I said as I took the cigarette from her,

smirking as I took a smoke, making my hand into fist as I let it touch her lips as I release it.

I can feel her stiffen but smiled nonetheless like she was enchanted.

“Jihoon.” I introduce myself as I reach for her hand and kiss the back of it.

She smiled, she’s hooked… she’s addicted.

I smirked as I held her chin and caress her lips with my thumb.

Soft.

I smiled, and looked at her eyes the way I always do to make a woman squirm under me, I played with her soft lips and asked…

“May I?”

She smiled back and nodded.

The next thing I knew, her lips was touching mine.

Kiss wasn’t slow, nor special, it comes off as a need, it was something I already felt before.

It wasn’t exciting as what the novels describe.

It wasn’t magical.

But it felt good.

It was intense, and needy but it didn't make my heat beat louder and faster. 

I can feel her hands on my body and how she desperately unbutton my shirt as we try to find a room and actually forgetting the crowd partying around us. 

She kept on kissing me and I let her. 

Until her lips reach for my neck that I realize I wasn't that interested. 

I was getting tired of this tasteless romance she's desperately trying on her own that I was about to make her stop when the cops came to actually save me. 

Her lips stopped roaming around my body and I was relieved. Finally. 

I gave her a soft smile and a peck on the forehead before I said my goodbye. 

I did it as casually as I could as I try to fix the shirt she almost ruined. 

FUCK! 

_What is wrong with me?! _


	3. Monday, 9:15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greet me a good morning.

Monday, 9:15

_Fuck! _

That’s my first thought as I wake up and see that the sun is already at its highest peak.

_Gandang bati. _

I look at my bedside table and reach for my phone just to check the time.

9:15

_Buti nalang wala si Ms. Mirabueno ngayon_, is what I thought dahil siguradong malelate nanaman ako at detention na aabutin ko kapag nangyari yon.

But before I can fully wake-up, I saw _her _message.

_Yesterday, 21:07_

**Mom:** I went to mass this afternoon, I prayed for the both of us. I know what we’re going through is hard but God helps me make sense of everything. I know He will punish your father for his sins. I miss you.

_Sigh._

_I know it’s been hard for mom since dad cheated on her, but this morning messages about God and His punishments is making me lose my sanity._

I kept staring at her message, trying to make sense of it, when another imbecile sent me a nice morning text.

**Idiot Woojin**: Do you have the weed? The police found stuff at Von’s. Lee is pissed, kala niya ako nakaiwan.

_Shit! Here goes my good morning. ..but wait…? Lee, Vonnie’s bestfriend?... His ex? He’s in contact with his ex again? That same girl na niloko niya at niloko siya? _

_Wow, bestfriends na sila? Katangahan mo talaga Woojin._

I was about to sigh at my bestfriend’s idiocy and do a search party for that weed when my gay flatmate who doesn’t know the meaning of privacy came barging in.

_Wow! Really a damn good morning._

“Anong kailangan mo? And please learn how to knock. You’re annoying.”

“Hello there, good morning, it’s such a nice sunny day! Oh, I just came here to see your morning wood because that’s the only thing that can make this day perfect, nothing much… and well…share it with my other gay friends, that’s all about it.” he said with his usual sarcastic high pitched tone

“Tangina, Daehwi, tumigil ka nga.”

He shrugged, he doesn’t give a damn. _Like always, that I’m kind of envious of it._

He eyed me, and showed the person on the other line of the vid call.

_“Dane.”_

I unconsciously blurted out.

“Hi JIhoon!” she said smilling.

She looks happy and well…_in love._

“How’s Paris?” I asked.

“Haha, same old, same old. Eiffel is still standing.” She said but she looks excited with her new life, typical Dane.

“Wrong question. How’s sex?” Daehwi interjected.

“Ok, babangon na ko, umalis ka na dito.”

“KJ! Ganyan ba talaga kapag virgin? Hahaha.”

I glared at him and threw a pillow.

“You shxt! Get out!”

_What a fxckin good morning!_


	4. Tuesday 14:58

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...nga pala si Seongwu.”
> 
> “Kilala ko siya.” Irap ni Von.
> 
> “Oh~~ nasa radar ka naman pala eh.” Kutya ni Woojin. 
> 
> “Oo, yung kaklase naming mabaho.” 
> 
> “Hahahahahahahahaha.”
> 
> “Sorry Seongwu, pero totoo.” Gatong ni Donghan.
> 
> “Eeeeh???! Amoy mo kaya yan?”

Tuesday, 14:58

“San ka?” bungad na text sa akin ni Von.

_Seryoso, anong kailangan nito?_

**Me** to **Vonnie**: CR. Umiihi. Sasabay ka? Andito si Ong.

**Vonnie**: Gago ka!

“Hahaha”

Ano yan? Tanong ni Woojin na nasa banyo parin kasama si Seongwu at Donghan.

“Wala, Si Vonnie.”

“Si Von?!” biglang sigaw ni Seongwu pagkarinig sa pangalan ni Yvonne.

“Seongwu, that’s not how you’ll make her fall for you.” I said with a smile.

“Like you know better. Mas virgin ka pa kaya kaysa sa akin”

I raised an eyebrow and smirked at him “Is that what you think?”

“Fuck?! Nag-all the way ka nung Sabado? Pano? Pota ka!”

I shrugged while grinning at him.

“Hahahaha, Kaya ikaw bestfriend ko eh!”

I smiled at them feeling proud of myself, like I actually got the trophy. I’m the MAN, yeah!

I didn’t lie, I didn’t say anything. _May nangyari naman talaga, di lang umabot dun sa akala nila._

_Sigh._

_Yeah, Jihoon, you’re a guy, you should be attracted to girls. _

_Normal ka._

I don’t know kung ilang beses ko na bang nasabi sa sarili ko yan. Hindi ko rin alam kung hanggang kailan ko magagamit yan.

“Jihoon, how to be you po?”

Gagong Seongwu talaga, kapag nakita na naman ‘to ni Vonnie, gyera na naman.

_Kung anong meron sila di ko rin alam. Wala rin akong pake._

“Tara na nga, taas ng sikat ng araw puro kalibugan lang alam niyo.”

“Wow,hah? Virgin pa rin? Ikaw ata babae sa inyong dalawa eh.”

I don’t know why but that remark snapped something in me that I ended up glaring at Seongwu and landed a jab on his face.

“Umayos ka.” I said in a threatening voice but that didn’t faze Seongwu at all.

“Gago ka ba?! Anong problema mo? Bat bigla-bigla kang nananapak?!” Sigaw ni Seongwu habang hawak ang panga

I fixed my shirt na parang walang nangyari. I took deep breathes to try and calm myself.

_‘Di niya alam Jihoon, umayos ka, Kaibigan mo yan.’_

Letting out a frustrated sigh, I apologized. “I’m sorry, mainit lang talaga ulo ko kanina pa.”

Tiningnan niya ako na para akong isang specie na di niya maintindihan while cleaning the blood from the corner of his lip, “Sabi mo eh.”

“Lakad nalang kita kay Vonnie. Sorry ulit.”

_The way to a guy’s forgiveness is always a good fuck. _

“Talaga?!” Biglang tili ni Seongwu.

_Sabi na eh, marupok din ang isang ‘to._

“Oo na, kakausapin daw niya ako maya, sama ka.”

“Yes!!! I love you, bro! Ikaw na talaga! Sulit tong sapak mo saken, magpapalit na ba ako ng damit? Yung amoy ko? Okay lang ba yung amoy ko?”

Dito na sumingit ung dalawa ko pang kaibigan na nanahimik kanina sa gilid, “Lagi kang mabaho Ong, wala ka nang pag-asa. Hahahaha” sabi ni Donghan habang tumatawa.

“Feeling ko mababasted ka nanaman ngayong araw, kaya wag ka nang mag-effort.” Gating ni Woojin.

Pinapakinggan ko lang ung tawanan nila.

_We’re okay, I’m fine, walang problema. _

“Seryoso nga, guys, apparently females are more attracted by scent than males are. I mean ‘girls’. It was on a nature documentary.”

“Females?” I asked.

“Wait, what’s your thing about females?” Woojin responded, crunching his face.

_Dude, I don’t hate them, it’s just I can live without them, don’t look at me like that._

“Alright! Guys! Listen up! Because it sounds fantastic!”

_Ngayon lang ako matuwa sa kadaldalan mo Seongwu, salamat._

“Females put their scent on a male to say: This belongs to me. If they smell another female, they leave. It’s obvious. It’s like in the wild. That’s how it works. You need to watch that documentary. Miinemorize ko pa yan, kaya sabihin niyo, anong amoy ko?!”

“Amoy lalaki ka pa rin naman, di nga lang mabango, bakit, minarkahan ka na ba ni Von?” natatawang tanong ni Donghan kay Seongwu.

“Nagholding hands kami kahapon eh, kaya nga di ko hinugasan ung hands ko nung umihi ako kanina.”

“GAGO?! Bat ang dugyot mo?! At holding hands ka jan? Inabot lang niya yung papel sayo, nasagi lang ung daliri mo, di niya hinawakan.”

“Jihoon, ba’t kelangan mo sirain ung kwento ko? Di ka pa nakakabawi dun sa pananapak mo.”

I rolled my eyes, sakto namang nakita ko si Von.

_Here we go._

“Andito na yung pambayad ko” sabi ko sabay turo kay Vonnie na tinawanan naman ni Woojin at Donghan sabay tingin kay Ong na naglalaway na ata kase andito na yung amo niya.

_Sorry, Vonnie…_

“Guys! Jihoon! Usap tayo.”

“Bakit? Nga pala si Seongwu.”

“Kilala ko siya.” Irap ni Von.

“Oh~~ nasa radar ka naman pala eh.” Kutya ni Woojin.

“Oo, yung kaklase naming mabaho.”

“Hahahahahahahahaha.”

“Sorry Seongwu, pero totoo.” Gatong ni Donghan.

“Eeeeh???! Amoy mo kaya yan?”

“Ano?!”

Yep, badtrip nanaman si Von… _Ong, medyo tanga ka rin talaga, di ganyan pumorma._

“Text nalang kita mamaya.” Sabi ni Von sabay alis.

_Ano nanaman toh?!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reminding everyone again that this is real time. :)
> 
> and please do leave comments, para alam ko kung tama pa ba tong ginagawa ko. :D


	5. Friday, 17:10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ....just who is he?

Friday, 17:10

“Why is it next to the staff room? Who would go here?” I asked Von the moment I entered thus godforsaken place.

Honestly, the place isn’t that bad, it’s spacious and you can definitely make this as a place for convenient or quick sex.

_ It just needs cleaning_. Seriously, this looks like a warehouse.

And well, this is like a space for losers/rejects, and no one wants to be labelled like that. And no matter how Vonnie phrase it to be a cool place for everyone who doesn’t have anywhere to go, it just made anyone feel like this is a place for outcasts.

“Von, I really think you’ll fail advertising class.”

“Hey! Don’t say things like failing!”

“What? I felt like there’s no way this will be success, I can bet that only my crew will come here, and that’s because of me.”

“I have friends too! I’m a popular sophomore, just so you know.”

“Your only admirer is Seongwu, and he’s my friend but I don’t think having an Ong Seongwu as your guard dog makes you popular.”

“Shut up. Say that name again and you can say goodbye to your beloved wxxd.”

“That’s foul.”

She simply shrug, “I have the authority to make rules, deal with it.”

Took all my control not to roll my eyes at that.

“Anyway, I’m going to make this the coolest place in the school.” She said already dreaming about all her plans like a woman planning her wedding.

“It will be a place open to all, it will promote exchanges between very different people. The headmaster and everyone in the faculty loved this idea. A place where they can promote the beauty of diversity.”

“Okay….without me and my crew.”

She glared at me before saying, “What are you saying? You are now one of the founding members of this room, there’s also Lee and Arci.”

“I’m sorry, but there is no way I’ll ever be a founder of this ‘Loser’s Corner.’”

“Hey! Hey!” another voice came in.

_Lee_

Followed by, “Hello, bitches!” _Arci._

“Oh… Ci, do you smell something?”

“…my, my, this place smells like…I don’t know, depression and negativity. You sure we need Jihoon here?” said Lee, of course, she would say that.

We had a long history of shits, but yeah, I guess, I fucked them up before, she and Wooj. I know I’m at fault, and _it wasn’t right for me to do that. _

But I’m still thankful she forgave me; that she and Wooj manage to keep the friendship even the relationship died, I don’t know how they did it, to even talk comfortably about dating and fucking other people, such millennial and understanding people, I can _never_ relate.

“Well, it’s not like I wanted to be here.”

“Yeah, this dark room is full of happy people, we get you, Jihoon, and we get you.” Lee remarked.

“Whatever.”

“Ow….kay! Hahaha, Guys, let’s get things cleaned up a bit to make it presentable for the students who will coming in later, stick your bitter asses away from here. Thank you very much.”

“I’m not bitter! Hahaha, I’m just messing with JI, I love this gay.”

“I’m not gay.” I said as I try not to roll my eyes

“Yeah, sorry, I forgot you got dick and balls, you rarely use it.”

Maybe, this is the reason why I’m not that fond of Lee? She’s beautiful, delicate and all that but her mouth is as vulgar as a dumpsite.

“Guys!! We’ll be doing something so fun and awesome that no one will want to leave high school, stop that drama already and help the fuck out.”

And that’s our cue to stop, when Von burst out it just means she’s a nervous wreck right now, and nothing doing what she says is like asking for a death.

“Uhm.. yeah, sorry to interrupt you guys but I’m here! Just saying I exist.” Arci said with a shrug with earned a glare from me and Lee.

“What?”

Nothing, you just ruined Vonnie’s momentum, that’s just it.

“Oh wait! Let’s send a pic to Dane! She’ll be so excited to see us all together.” Vonnie enthusiastically said and there’s no way we can refute it.

Sigh… when did I became friends with this people again?

Few moments later, while we’re in the middle of tidying thing up, people starts coming in.

“Von.., there’s the crowd.” I said, informing her, I’m actually shocked myself that people would coe here, I guess, congratulations will suit this occasion.

I saw Vonnie’s expression changed for curiosity to amazement and then to that utter excitement that will make her look like a puppy, I swear Seongwu could just dream to see this kind of expression for her.

_When did Seongwu started his obsession over her? Is it during her party? Von cleaned up well that day. Anyway, that’s not my issue and Ong changes his girl interest almost every week, he also still go on drinks with us, so I don’t think it’s THAT serious._

“Hi! Are you here for the common room meeting?” Vonnie immediately asked the newcomers with a smile.

Blank expression was given to her, my, my…it would have been funny if they’re just lost, and that this place is really unpopular unlike what Von thought it will be.

“Is this the common room?” Oh! And stranger 1 with a friend finally said something so obvious. _Idiocy attracts an idiot crowd, way to goo Vonnie!_

“Well, uhmm, you can sit down. There’s orange juice and cakes.”

Yep, typical Yvonne forcing participants to come in her corny as fxck events.

5… 10 mins before the new people starts coming in and by that I meant my friends whom I threatened to come, except for Ong who willingly and exaggeratedly thanked me for convincing the crew to come at this shitty place.

“Yow! Ji.” Greeted Woojin and Donghan the moment they came in.

“Yow.” I said right back as we did the fist bump thing you do with your bros.

“Hello, Von!”

_And you know who that idiot was._

He said that as he try to go near her until Donghan stopped him for embarrassing himself further.

“Where are you going?” Donghan asked, he’s making that funny face like he saw an idiot who’s about to something only an idiot will do.

“Oh, I just thought kissing is a good way to greet someone, don’t you know that?” Ong said with his typical maniac looking smile. Creep!

“No, Seongwu, that’s how you’ll get punch in the face and lose a tooth. So, stop.” I said, as I kept thinking of how in the world am I part of this crew when there’s a monkey in it.

“Hello.” Von can be civil, I’m applauding her strength against bulsxxt.

When I thought that we’ll only be the ones who will come as I have earlier predicted, the real crowd started bustling in, that it amazed me. We honestly almost lost the motivation and will, the cakes and drinks were almost gone courtesy of those two strangers who have only been eating the moment they arrive.

“Good afternoon, good afternoon.” I can hear Von greeting everyone when suddenly Woojiin decided to talk with his dick.

“So, bro what’s the plan? Did you not say there would be something to drink?”

“And girls.” Wow, nice follow-up Donghan.

“Hey, can’t you see the 3 girls in front of you?” I was reffering to Von, Lee and Arci who’s on full support mode.

“If you want a drink, there is an orange juice over there.” Well, I guess I made them hope when I told them to go at the common room with exaggerated claims of having too many hot chicks lurking around the area and cool drinks to accompany them.

_But don’t they already know how boring Vonnie can be?_

“Are you serious?” Donghan asked

“Dead.” I said with finality to stopped this talk already.

“Wait guys!! Did Von just winked at me?!”

_Thank you Ong and your delusions!_

“Oh…No. She’s just rubbing her eye.” Donghan said a matter of fact. Why you gotta hurt your friend like that? Is what I want to say but this is just funny.

But as looked on my side…

I saw _her._

_Lulu._

And surprise, surprise… She winked at me.

Ahmmm…no.

But that excited my friends, of course.

“That right there is a wink, Seongwu, that one is what you call wink.” Said Donghan definitely bruising his ego further.

Sigh.

I decided to blank out from their conversation and look at the incoming crowd when…

When I saw him.

Wearing a plaid red sweatshirt and black shirt with his black backpack and warm smile and as he sat down our eyes met before he turned his gaze somewhere else.

_But the way he looked at me and smirked…what just happened? What did I just felt?_

_Damn. Who is he?_

That was all I was thinking throughout the meeting. I blank out to every information Von was trying to say, she felt like an advisement right now that I don’t have a single care for.

_Shit! What I happening to me?_

The meeting ended with Von, Lee and Arci distributing survey questionnaires of what the crowd wanted to do in the common room, what they expected and all those boring stuffs, I doubt people would answer this shxt but they took it starts scribbling something that it actually go beyond my imagination, so I guess that can count as success too.

Oh, and I remembered, when Vonnie asked if people got questions, Seongwu energetically raised his hand and was supported by Donghan so Von didn’t have a chance to say no.

“Yes, what is it?” she asked with an exasperated sigh.

“Ahmm…about your number… what comes after 6?”

And with Vonnie’s usual sass, she answered, “Ahmm, after 6, its 07, 08, 09. Seongwu, you’re a sophomore, right? You should atleast know how to count.”

And I heard my friends laughing hard at him after that and ofcourse, Ong’s sudden infatuation saing that’s he’s inlove.

_Not sure if that’s serious though, but I support. An idiot and a boring girl, what a perfect combination._

We’re about to leave, and my gaze landed to him again only to be blocked by someone.

_Girl what’s your problem? Is what I want to say but I tried to put on a silly fake smile._

“Hey.” Lulu greeted with her usual innocent looking beam.

“Oh… hey.” I said with less enthusiasm. I really hope she gets it that I’m not interested.

“How are you?” I continued out of courtesy.

“I’m good.” she said keeping her smile that was slowly faltering seeing as I was not that interested.

“The meeting was fun isn’t it? she continued.

“Oh..yeah..” I answered right back.

“Uhmm, anyway, I need to go, let’s talk again some time?” I said, using my sweet voice that nobody ever resisted before.

“Oh..yeah, sure.” She said but she seemed down… _I honestly don’t care._

All I was thinking off right now is that guy, who just left as soon as he can.

_Just who is he?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooohhhhh, see you all later. :* xD


	6. Friday,  20:23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And before I can write my answer,
> 
> …the train left…

Friday, 20:23

I took the train on my way home.

_Thank god it wasn’t that crowded anymore._

I’m only two stops away so I decided to stand by the door.

We stopped at one of the stations.   
There, I noticed another train probably going the opposite direction pulled to a stop as well.

_xxxx Station, the door will open on your left._

I didn’t expect the sudden influx of passengers so I was pushed back to the other side. I let out a sigh and turned to face the closed door on my right.

I pulled on my backpack straps and looked up…

It’s as if the time stopped.

Suddenly the bustling sound that irritated the heck out of me turned silent, it was like my ears blocked everyone else.

There he was.

Standing on the other train was the guy who has been disturbing my thoughts since I saw him in the common room just a few hours ago.

He was grinning by the window… probably watching the lights as it reflected in his small brown eyes.

It’s so beautiful that I became curious at how he viewed the world.

He looks like a kid devoid with all the problems in life…

He must have felt that someone is staring at him because he suddenly turned his gaze towards me.

  
Our eyes met.

His lips curved into a wide smile, showing me his white bunny teeth in that blurry glass.

He then created a fog using his breath and with his playful smile started writing…

**Hello**.

That made me smile.

  
And I can’t deny that it made my heart flutter…it made my heart feel something more than just convenience.

  
_But he also felt like a danger_…

Yet, I responded by doing the same thing he did.

  
**Hi**.

And I swear I saw him laugh cutely before writing his reply.

**I’m Daniel. U?**

  
_And before I can write my answer,_

  
_…the train **left**…_

_Leaving me with a memory of him and his beautiful smile._


	7. Monday, 14:17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re just curious, Jihoon. A simple and harmless curiosity.

Monday 14:17

I don’t know how long I’ve tried to search the facebook and twitter, typing the same name over and over again.

_‘Daniel’_.

No luck.

I just can’t seem to find that beautiful face with equally gorgeous childlike smile.

I’ve hesitated a couple of times, _DAYS_ even.

Since the start of weekends, my head is filled with only thought of that common room and LRT guy.

I don’t even know what I’m doing or why I am even doing this. And why the heck can I not get him out of my head.

_It’s frustrating, to say the least._

Is this even normal?

_You’re just curious, Jihoon. A simple and harmless curiosity._

While I was convincing myself, my flatmate Daehwi, called for me.

_What now? _

“Jihoon?”

“Daehwi?”

“I a premonition, a very awful premonition.” He said as he slide down the couch to seat beside me.

“Hm-hmm” I replied uninterested, still looking at my phone.

“I have a feeling that you’ll never going to pay your share on the rent. Jihoon, I don’t think I accepted you as a flatmate because I desperately need some company. Well, surprise, surprise! It was actually have someone to help me pay the bills.”

_Shit! I forgot. _

“I’m so late, sorry. I’m waiting for the transfer of my father. I need to ask him again.” _I’m guessing my parents forgot they still have a son the moment they got divorced, I guess except mom, but she’s an awful story._

“Yeah, like everytime.” I can see he’s pissed, but it’s not like I can do something about it.

_Then, a sudden burst of notification sound came from his phone_

“How are the notifications?” I asked, he seemed to be popular, not that I care though.

“Don’t change the subject.” He said but willingly brag about it the next second.

“But yeah. Since I’ve changed my profile picture, it doesn’t stop! Look!”

“Fuck?! Daehwi?! Just why?!” I said as he showed me his picture with only his boxers on, like he’s going to have a Calvin Klein photoshoot minus the abs, he’s way too slim for that.

“What?” he said, nonchalantly like it wasn’t a big deal, like he doesn’t see nor give a damn towards all those messages from different nasty people leaving under his profile just to degrade or disrespect him.

_How can someone like him do that? To be that open only for people to look at him like he doesn’t worth much. He’s a mystery I can’t seem to ever figure out._

He immediately changed the subject as soon as he saw me looking and reading at those notifications,

“Ahmm, Jihoon, I have a question.”

And I looked at him, ready to listen.

“So, there is a straight man who is offering me a blow job, ‘without any context’. You think that he want a blow job or that he want to do me one?”

I just look at him like I was about to question his sanity. _Why is he even asking me this? Why did I even wanted to sympathize earlier on?_

“Anyway,” he continued, “that is the thing I never understood. If you are sucking dick, you are not really that straight, right?”

“Maybe he just want to try?” is what I said but he raised an eyebrow, maybe thinking that I was unbelievable.

“Like, he is curious?” I said with a shrug.

“A very curious young lad, then.” He said as I try to run away from him wanting to show me the butt of that guy who just dm-ed him. **_Seriously?!_**

“Where are you going?” Daehwi asked while laughing

“Ahmm, just somewhere away from you…? Sorry to break it to you, but I don’t want to spend my holiday watching naked men. Thank you very much.”

** _‘Such a grump!’_ **

Is the last thing I heard from him as I entered my room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just one of those filler chaps :)


	8. Tuesday, 7:30

Tuesday, 7:30

Today was not like my every usual day.

Today, I took the earlier bus.

  
Today, I didn’t immediately went towards the direction of our room.

  
Today, I went to the juniors and seniors corner and immediately went towards the students’ masterlist posted in their bulletin board, _it was impossible for him to be a freshman_, I met almost all of them.

There was about 400 students total in the art course.

_Damn, why are there so many people in our school wanted to take arts? It’s as stressing as hell._

  
_There’s no time to stall, Jihoon! Get to work!_

  
I was scanning through their names when someone suddenly decided that it was nice to sneak in someone else’s back. Damn!

  
“Yow, Jihoon? What are you doing here?”

I smiled as politely as I could, trying hard to hide my annoyance, I’m busy here! Is what I really want to say but obviously, I can’t say that?

I mean, it is definitely not normal that I’m looking for some guy with cute smile I met last Friday, because that will be so damn suspicious.

“Minhyun?! Hi” I said as casual as I can be.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, I don’t know why Lee broke up with Woojin and end-up with this guy, because this one is a lot more trouble than my bestfriend. Well, I’m not the one to talk and maybe that just how silly teens can be.

  
“Oh… me? I was just looking for something. Why are you so early, by the way?”

  
“Oh, I need to finish something.” He said while still looking at me suspiciously.

“Is that so…” wait, he’s a senior…right? Maybe he got some information about this guy I’m really curious about, definitely just my curiosity to blame.

“Anyway, do you have a Daniel in your class?” I’m casual, yes JIhoon, you’re smooth like that, and he’s not looking at you like an unknown specie.

“Vonnie asked. Since he was one of the members of the common room, you know, the all loser’s room, the one she organized with Lee.” I supplemented, you are in no way suspicious Jihoon, keep up the good work.

“Oh. Yeah, I remember Lee told me about the common room, she warned me not to ever come there. Anyway, Daniel, huh? Is it the transfer student, Daniel Kang? He’s in one of my class. Do you want to talk to him?” Minhyun asked, thank God! He’s definitely dumb.

“Ohh, No. No, no, no. But maybe next time, in the near future. Okay, bye.” I said as I try to hide the smile trying to creep into my face and run away from this sticky situation.

_Honestly? The things I do to satisfy my curiosity._


	9. Tuesday, 12:10

Tuesday, 12:10

_**Kang Daniel**_.

Finally.

Is what I thought the moment I saw his student profile in the school’s forum that I barely browse.

It was his admission project, it was very rare for the school to accept a late enrolee and a fourth year student at that, this might have been way to amazing of an idea for them to actually consider having him in the school.

Polaris is the name of the project, it has a limited funding, hence, it was still just an idea but I already think this is amazing. The title alone… how can anyone not be interested?

I mean, it was so intriguing that I can’t help but to watch the interview, not because it was something that will probably connect me to that guy.

Also not because he has that beautiful and passionate grin pasting his lips. Definitely not his charming face and bunny teeth that fills up the whole screen of my phone right now. 

_Absolutely not_

_“Hi, Daniel. What is this project called?_” I heard the interviewer asked clearly through my earphones.

“So, it’s called Polaris. It’s a story of two characters and a tunnel.” He responded using his sweet yet serious voice. It’s the first time I heard it, but his voice is as clear and good as I imagined it to be.

_“Is it a boy and girl?”_ the interviewer asked again.

“No, the character is a guy. The other one, we don’t care. It can be a guy, a girl, a creature? We don’t really know. Polaris is about the character that can never get out of his tunnel, because he’s too afraid of the light. And he will meet the hero, who is afraid of the dark.”

_“Then, how will they meet each other?”_ asked the interviewer

“Well, actually they can’t. Because they are both afraid of each other’s world. In fact, the idea is that they were talking at the border, without seeing each other. They ended up chatting everyday. They get to know each other. And in the end, they realized that they fell in love even if they had never seen each other.” Daniel said and I can mirth in his eyes, something unexplainable but beautiful.  


_“Will they ever see each other?”_ When that question was asked, I was anticipating too, will they? Could they?

“Only when one of them overcomes their fear, and dared to go into the world of the other one.”

  
_“What are you watching?”_

  
“Shit?!” I sighed and immediately closed my phone, “Do you have to come like a ghost?” I asked as Vonnie looked at me like I have a loose screw, showing me an expression that wasn’t really sure what my problem is.

“Ok, chill. It’s stupid to be unpleasant. I have a gift for you.” She said.

“A gift?” I asked.

“Too late, you ruined your chance.”

_K, whatever…?_

“Oh, Von, have you planned other meetings for the common room?” I asked calmly like I wasn’t trembling on the inside.

“So, now you show interest for the common room? I told you it’s amazing.”

“No… Oh, I mean, it’s a good idea, that’s all. Honestly, the first meeting wasn’t bad.”

“Hmmmm” she said while nodding, “there’s a meeting on Wednesday, if you want to come, I guess you’re welcome.”

“Okay, I’ll come.” I said as I saw Vonnie’s expression change.

“Give me your bag.” She said.

“What for?”

“Just give it to me.”

I handed it to her since she looks like she’s about to pee in her pants.

And there, I saw her put the weed inside the bag. “Don’t leave your mess just about anywhere now, okay? Next time, I wouldn’t be this generous.” She said using her usual warning tone.

I smiled, “Okay.”


	10. Wednesday,  12:20

Wednesday, 12:20

“Okay, Lee. The form?” I heard Vonnie asked.

We are here at the common room reading stuffs people wrote on that survey forms they distributed last Friday.

_I want to ask myself again, what am I doing?_

“So, what you like. Nothing. What you don’t like? Everything. What equipment would you like to see here? A beer cooler and Wi-Fi.” I heard Lee reciting the answer of whoever it was.

“Yeah, Wi-Fi, I have 2 who said it too.” Said Vonnie as she scan of her own forms.

“Activity Cultural, A fxcking party.” Lee continued reading the rest.

I have to nod to that, I mean, everyone wants to party.

They kept doing that, and I honestly, just blank out. I what did I want to achieve when I came here and spend my time with them? I’m now, really curious about my decisions too.

“Oh…Vonnie. You should really hear this.” Arci said with smile painting on her lips.

Oh… that caught my attention.

I also caught Von leaning forward showing curiosity.

“What do you like? I look at Vonnie. What I don’t like? Vonnie not looking at me. What equipment? The guy just put ‘Vonnie’”

I’m sure I’m laughing now. Wow, such intense admiration.

“Congratulations, you have a psychopath admirer.” Lee said and Von’s expression just turned sour.

“Wait, it’s not over.” Said Arci

“What do you expect from us? That Vonnie calls me, and he really left his number.”

“Hahahahahahahaha”

_Yep, we all lost it._

“Wait wait. Let me see the number.” I said while trying to control my laughter because Von’s stares could definitely kill someone, and I don’t what to be the one buried.

It only took my one glance to realize who the guy was, I grinned at Von and playfully move my eyebrows up and down and smirk. “It’s Seongwu.” I said dropping the bomb

“I don’t understand this guy, really? What with him?” We honestly, trying to control our laughter as she recalls her experiences with Ong, the way he drooled and stare at her on a 100-meter distance. I’m not really proud of my friend, but it’s not like a have a choice.

But while we’re having fun….

I saw _him_.

By the glass window…probably going home.

“Ahmm, guys, I’m sorry, but I need to go, contact me if you need anything. Bye.” I didn’t wait for their responses as I run out of there and find that parson.

Why, Jihoon? Dammit! Why?

I was questioning my sanity while running out trying to chase him, but the moment I wa out I saw my crew.

“Hey, Jihoon!” Woojin greeted.

“Coming out of the common room?” He asked again.

“Yes, why?” I said, not caring what they’ll think anymore.

“I don’t know. You spend your time with girls, yeah?” he said  


I’m not comfortable with what Woojin is trying to say, it felt like he’s teasing me about something and I felt like, it was kind of disrespecting me. Why the fxck am I thinking like this?

“You were with the girls? Tell me that Vonnie spoke about me.” I guess this is the reason why Seongwu is my friend, he calms me down like this.

“About you? No, I don’t think so, no.” I said now, amused, as I try to look around for _him_.

_He’s nowhere in sight. Dammit!_

“Take your time to answer, do not answer so fast.” Seongwu said, frantically asking for my attention.

Sigh

“Bro, Vonnie, doesn’t care about you, she doesn’t care about your life.” Donghan said, clearly crushing all of Seongwu’s hope.

“I’m telling you Donghan, I prepared the ground work well, what are you talking about?” Seongwu said with his amazing confidence. Like how? I wonder.

All of a sudden,

“Hi JIhoon. How are you?”

  
Lulu…again but now with Rie, whom Woojin is eyeing rather disgustingly in my own opinion.

“Oh. Hey, I’m fine.”

“What are you doing on a Saturday night?” she asked, wow, _you’re too direct miss._

“Hmmm, why?”

“Because we are doing a party at Rie’s house. Not a huge thing, more of an intimate party. Ofcourse, you can all come.” She said while looking at my friends who are too weak for woman.

“Yeahh.. but it’s really bad, because Saturday, we have the party of…”

And before I can finish my lamw excuse, Donghan decided to interrupt. **_Great! Just, great._**

“No, no, no. We have nothing at all on Friday. We will be happy to come, we’ll bring the drinks.”

“Ok. Cool.” Lulu said, already smiling brightly, it’s blinding me.

“Well, I’m sending you the address on Friday?” she said as they walk away.

“Cool. Bye” Is all I said while trying to grin naturally.

“Jihoon, what’s the problem?” is the first thing Woojin asked the moment the two girls walked away.

“What are you talking about?”

“Jihoon, we never refuse an intimate evening with a girl. Even I know that.” Seongwu chimed in

“Should I tell Vonnie?” I asked looking at Ong.

“She doesn’t even care, but that not the point.”

“Guys, Lulu and I have seen each other 3 times, and since then, she never let me go. It stresses me.”

“Hold on, I don’t understand what’s going on. You’re my brother, but what’s up in your head? She is really into you!” said Donghan, and I just blanked out with irritation.

_I don’t like her,_ is all I want to say but I have no way of telling that. 


	11. Wednesday,  19:49

Wednesday, 19:49

It’s the animated storyboard of a sequence of Polaris, I hope you can participate in this project.

I don’t how many time have I watched this promotional video of Polaris, but I can’t help myself.

I was an amazing story, the idea was grand and unique. It was beautiful…So beautiful that I imagined myself to be the other person.

To be the one walking and searching, to be the one that can find him.

To be the one that will kiss him at the other side of that world. To be the person worth risking for.

To be the person who could taste that sweet lips the moment we find each other.

_“So, that’s about it! I hope you can join me in this project.”_ And all I can see in that last second of the video was him grinning, almost closing his eyes, and he just looks like a baby… except that mole under his eyes that pulls you in like a temptation.

_He’s so gorgeous_.

That’s all I can say about his face, simply gorgeous.

“Bye.” he said as he flap his hands around. 

NO…No Jihoon.

I closed my laptop, trying so hard to shut his image out of my head

** _But I can’t… I just can’t_ **

  
I reached for my phone and reluctantly type those words…

_‘Gay Chat_’

Daehwi's go to app whenever he wants to look for a quick fxck.

I browsed over the images but I felt nothing.

I wasn’t interested at their dicks.

I wasn't attracted to them, I'm not curious about it. It didn't made me anything near the way I felt about _him_ the first time I saw _him_. 

There wasn't that same magnetic pull whenever I look at their eyes the way _he_ pulled me into _his_. 

There wasnt anything special about those guys. 

Sigh…I’m not _gay_.

** _But shxt! Why can't I get him out of my head?! _ **


	12. Saturday, 16:28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the fxck is happening? Who am I? What am I doing?

Saturday, 16:28

“Kamusta na kayo ni Von?” tanong ko kay Seongwu habang palabas kami ng campus, kasama ng buong tropa ko.

But Ong looked at me with those eyes asking why I’m curious.

“Well, ilang araw na rin kayong naglalandian? So kamusta naman?”

“Oh!! Yun ba? Haha, alam mo namang biro lang ‘yon ng magkaaibigan diba?” he said, still chuckling, pero alam kong wala pang mas pepeke pa don. Nakita ko rin ang reactions nila Woojin at Donghan, this is not the first time this thing happened, we’ve known each other since we were elementary kids, alam na naman ang hilatsa ng bituka ng isa’t-isa.

We know what Ong’s struggle was, he always charge forward without thinking but when gets deeper, but when he starts being emotionally nvested, lumalayo siya, bumibitaw siya.

Di dahil takot siyang magmahal, takot siyang mang-iwan, takot siyang maiwanan kapag binigay na niya ung lahat. Natatakot siyang magaya sa mga magulang niyang naghiwalay din sa huli.

At sa totoo lang, natatakot din ako, natakot na ko simula nang iniwan din kami ng tatay ko, na sustento lang ang binibigay, madalas late pa.

Kaya di ko rin siya masisisi, _sana lang talaga, di maling tao yung bibitawan niya ngayon._

“Oo nga pala, this evening, we’re hanging out with girls, right?” Ong said while trying to smile na sinakyan nalang namin, wala rin naman kaming magagawa.

“Yep.” Tugon ni Woojin.

“Pero sigurado ka bang di mo na ipupursue si Vonnie? Kase kung may plano ka pa palang magpacute sa kanya tapos gigimik ka ngayong gabi, baka mas lalo kang mawalan ng pag-asa.” Singgit ni Donghan habang tinititigan ng maayos si Seongwu.

“Oo naman! Sus, si Von? Alam niyo namang biruan lang un diba? Nag-aasaran lang kami. Tonigh, agpapkasaa ako at maghahanap ng sexy at sobrang gandang babae tapos mawawala na rin ang virginity ko! Magdidiwang tayong lahat!” Ong said enthusiastically, I really hope he won’t regret this.

“And they scream ‘Daddy!’ all night.” He said while laughing louder this time.

“Let’s bet, uuwing virgin pa rin itong kaibigan natin.” I said, trying to make light of the situation, we know the underlying messages, Ong don’t need to spell it out for us… he needs this night to breathe, to relax and to forget about a certain girl that I’m pretty sure he’s been dreaming about these past few days.

“Feeling ko rin, magiging forever virgin tong kaibigan natin.” Gatong ni Woojin.

“Wag kang mag-alala Ong, maasahan mo naman ang iyong kamay sa mga panahon ng tagtuyot.” Sabi ni Donghan habang tumatawa, yep, hands…our very trusted friend in time of great needs.

“Oo nga pala, who’s paying the drinks?” biglang tanong ni Donghan.

“Oh! It’s Mister Jihoon over there!~” Woojin excitedly replied.

_Ako? Me? How come?_

“It’s our JIhoonie~” said Ong… panong naging ako?

“Ano toh? Wala man lang natatanong ng opinion ko?” I said, I can’t believe this people.

“Yep! Ikaw na ang taya ngayon, remember last time? At Lee’s house, when we decided to ruin the girl’s bonding? I paid for every offering to appease them, from food to beers.” Woojin replied reminding me of such a disastrous day.

Fine. He really did spent a fortune that time.

Seongwu chimed in after that. “Last time at the park, who paid? Me!”

“So for tonight, who’s paying?” Woojin said using his teasing tone that I just want to throw him out. He’s irritating.

But then, I heard a chorus from my so called friends.

“It’s Honnie!!!”

Donghan, however, side hug me and said, “But if you’re broke, I can take care of it.”

“Don’t worry. I got it.” is what I said but my head is running in circles, where the hec would I get some money to buy beers?

“Okay,” Donghan replied, “Well, do tell us when you have the address, oh and the weed?”

“Yeah. Ok”

That’s the last thing we said to each other before we part ways to prepare for this so called intimate party with a girl I don’t like but my friend approved for.

_What a nice day to live._

* * *

I stayed by the station for quite awhile, trying to figure out where I should borrow the money from.

I tried to message my dad for my expenses which he keeps on forgetting… but nada. It felt like I don’t exist in his like anymore that he doesn’t care how am I doing.

_Should I just get a part-time job? _That thought passed my head for awhile, but who will hire me? I’m not that good with my hands that I think instead of earning money, I ‘ll accumulate credit.

I was sighing there, trying to figure out where to find that money for this complementary drinks because I need my social standing to protect… is what I want to say but I just don’t want to be that kind of friend, and besides, I need this to clear my head.

I was about to text Daehwi when some random guy sat beside me.

“HI!” he said.

“I saw you last time at the common room, I still find that glass messages funny, by the way.” He said, grinning like a child that I highly doubt if he can see me in that slightly closed eyes because of too much beaming, it’s late in the afternoon and the sun is about to set but he still look fresh and shines that would definitely shame the sun.

He wasn’t really that much of a stranger…I guess.

“Oh! Don’t you remember me? I’m Daniel, Daniel Kang. I’m sorry, do find me weird?”

And I know I looked stupid… I just can’t help but to stare at him and ask myself,_ ‘How could such a human exist?!’ _

I wonder, how someone so perfect walk on earth like this, I instinctively checked him out and I’m pretty sure I’m embarrassing myself right now but I just can’t stop, I just can’t help my eyes from staring too much until I heard him laugh, it’s like a music to my ears, it’s such a beautiful sound that I just couldn’t say a thing, I was in awe, it felt better than the ones that I kept hearing from his Polaris project clips.

However, I was pushed back to reality when he acted like he was coughing.

“So, ahmm, can I get the name?” he said with his silky smooth voice that would just make you swoon.

_I’m so damn frustrated! When did I turn into something like this?_

“It’s Jihoon.” I said, as I try to smile the way I can make people fall for me no matter how insufferable I can be.

I saw a lips trying to form a smile, and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t affect me one bit.

“So, ahmm. Pauwi ka na?” I asked _him_, just to continue this conversation because I like to keep on hearing him speak,

“Gusto mo na ba kong paalisin? _I blew it! I knew I shouldn’t have opened my mouth._

I was about to explain and maybe he saw the anxiousness in my eyes that he immediately turned his frown into a mischievous grin.

“Nagbibiro lang ako, you shoud’ve seen your face.” And he started laughing again, that laugh that could just pull you in, that same laugh that I am pretty made, had made a lot of women fall under their knees… begging.

“Don’t be too serious, Jihoon.” He said and maybe I malfunctioned the moment I heard my name from his mouth, I just blanked out.

“Nga pala, Jihoon, may problema ba?he asked waking me up from my reverie, full of his voice calling my name.

I sighed, “It’s just that I need to bring beers at a party, I can no longer withdraw and I can’t just ask money from my roommate.”

“I can help you if you want.”

“I don’t like to borrow money from people” is what I said, _I really hated owing others, it becomes an obligation and it’ll turn into guilt._

“Money?” he asked while looking at me incredulously, “I don’t have money. But I do have a lot of beers. We can go and get them at my place if you want.” Completing his sentence and I just don’t know what to do.

_Did he just said his place?_

“You sure?”

“Wait, let me guess… you think that’s weird? You look like someone who thinks everything is weird.” He said grinning again like a fool

“Not really.”

Yes! It’s weird! How can you let someone you barely knew to your place? I get that I look small but I can definitely punch people!

But ofcourse, di ko yun sasabihin… I don’t know why but I still want to spend my time with him...

And before I can refute my brain, the bus came.

“Are you coming?” he said not really waiting for my answer as he reach for my hand.

_What the fxck is happening? Who am I? What am I doing?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you still find this thing interesting? Hehe


	13. Saturday, 17:30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I unconsciously took a gulp from the beer he handed me earlier to justify my glowing blush.
> 
> FXCK!

Saturday, 17:30

“Come in” he said the moment we arrived at his apartment, it was neat, and no else is around.

“Mag-isa ka lang dito?” tanong ko sa kanya.

“Yep, but may mga bumibisita minsan.” Sagot niya, "saglit lang kunin ko lang ung beer."

“Ah, sige lang.” I said while looking around, fascinated by everything, he isn’t living in a big space, but it’s enough for atleast two people.

I was scanning the room when I saw his sketches, it was filled with cats…gentle looking cats. They looked like they were just drawn for about a week or two, it doesn’t have any signs of aging yet. I’m pretty sure this are his recent works… and heck! They are all beautiful.

_But why cats?_

I wanna know because I honestly am not fond of them. They look vicious and secretive. It makes me suffocated whenever I’m surrounded by people I can’t read…

But I guess… _he’s the first_.

_He’s the first comfortable secret for me. He’s like a safe haven, he makes me feel alive and comforted in ways I can’t even explain. And I've known him for what? an hour? You're hopeless Jihoon._

I was looking at those illustrations on his working desk when I felt his presence beside me.

“Okay so, you are giving me a suitcase of beers?” I asked the moment I saw a box of beer that would probably contain atleast 20 cans.

With his cheeky grin, he answered, “Yeah, I don’t know. I have plenty here. I don’t know why, honestly. Naipon nalang siguro tuwing tumatambay yung barkada ko.”

And I’ve always wondered how can someone smile like that…yung inosenteng ngiti, yung tipo nang ngiti na parang ang ganda ng mundo. Truthfully, I can’t relate.

I kept staring at him when he asked, “Do you want to drink one before going to where you’re supposed to go?”

“Yeah, definitely.” I grinned. I want to give myself this moment. This chance… thinking that maybe…the way he looks at me meant something. _Self, let me dream…even just for a moment._

“Cool.” He replied as he opened a can and as he handed it to me.

* * *

“Did you do that?” I probed as I point on his desk filled with a gentle looking cat sketches.

_Funny, Jihoon, ask more obvious question, you dumbo!_

“Oh…that. Yeah.” He said as his lips start to move upwards forming a gentle smile.

“So what’s with the cats?” I’m starting to be amuse towards the creature because of that gentle look he’s been sporting while looking at his drawings.

“Don’t you just find them cute? They look sassy and all that but that just makes you want their attention more. Like they wouldn’t give a damn second but they actually care. They are just so precious.”

“To tell you the truth, I don’t really like them, I don’t harbour such affection towards those cute little creatures but seeing as you view them to be the most beautiful creatures that grace the earth… I’m contemplating.”

“I’m about to be offended.”

“Don’t. Oh, by the way, what’s with that drawing? A dog and a cat? Such contrary? By the way, I prefer dogs.”

“That’s my spirit animal. Thank you for liking me.” He said as he playfully winked at me.

_What the actual fxck?!_

_Stay calm! Fxck! Jihoon, control your damn hormones! _

“Really, now?” I said, _yep, I’m lame, sue me!_

“I’m kidding, more like, I aspire to be like them, they’re awesome, they can be around with many people and a lot of people love them, I just want to be loved like them sometimes, I mean, we sometimes put greater details and affection to our pets rather than our relatives. If I can live like any other creature in my next life, I’d like to be a dog.”

“Ok I see.” That’s the only reply I can muster.

“And me? If you had to draw me? How would you draw me?” I inquired playfully, to lighten the mood.

“You can be the cat.” He said as he look at me with that kind eyes that pulls me everytime.

_I unconsciously took a gulp from the beer he handed me earlier to justify my glowing blush._

** _FXCK!_ **


	14. Saturday, 18:59

Saturday, 18:59

It’s slowly getting dark but here we are sitting on the couch while taking our second beer.

I started talking nonsense, talking about Ong’s stupidity because that’s the only interesting tales that I know of.

And I think I unconsciously trying too hard to keep him interested, to keep hearing his laugh.

I wonder if I can record this to help me sleep better night.

But suddenly he stood up, did I blew things up?

_Why am I a nervous wreck like a wimpy girl? Shit!_

Though before I can wallow in my thoughts full of doubts, a notification came.

**Lulu:**

Hey, Jihoon!

**Lulu:**

Andito kami sa #25 B5 L10 General St. Palm Groove Village, Paranaque City.

**Lulu:**

Intayin naming kayo ah.

I was contemplating on what to reply when I caught a glimpse of him again, setting up his speakers, and looking for a song, I bet.

_And that did it for me._

**Me to Lulu:**

Hey! I’m sorry, tinamad na kaseng pumunta ung mga tropa ko. Maybe we can try hanging out next time.

After I sent my reply, messages from Woojin kept on coming

**Idiot Woojin:**

Nasend na ba nila ung address?

**Idiot Woojin:**

Anong oras na? Ji?

**Idiot Woojin:**

San ka na?

**Idiot Woojin:**

Dammit Ji! Magreply ka naman, anong silbi ng phone mo?!

I had my doubts, I’m sure they’ll kill me if they knew I lied. But all it took was a single eye contact from him and all my uncertainties was gone.

All I want now is this moment.

This one beautiful and precious moment. This one chance.

**Me to Woojin**:

Hey, dude. I’m sorry, may inasikaso lang ako saglit.

**Me to Woojin**:

Nagtext na si Lu, they’re asking for a raincheck. May nangyare daw eh.

_“So, anong mga tipo mong kanta?”_ rinig kong tanong niya pagkatapo kong magsend ng reply.

“Ngayon? Ahmm… I’m more of that mellow RnB, you know, just chill, I’m listening to Marlin’s 54321 yesterday, there’s really no fixed song. I just like it smooth.”

I saw his lips slightly turned up, “Really? Hmm…then, I don’t think you’ll like the songs in my collection.” He said as he was playing with his lips.

“I’m open to new things.” I said while putting that bring it on expression.

“Okay.” He said, going back to that cheeky smile and played Martini Blue of DPR Live.

“Will it surprise you If I said I knew this song?”

“Really?” said as excitedly run to me and hug me like a puppy who finally met its owner.

**CALM THE FXCK DOWN HEART!**

He stayed there clinging on me but I didn’t mind.

Nothing else mattered except for this moment.

He then, pulled me up, urging me to dance with him, to join him as he dance to the beat, like we’re having our own little party.

I liked this.

I preferred this.

It doesn’t made me feel lonely unlike the unlike the usual crowded place that I go to with my friends.

It’s a breath of fresh air.

I wanted to savor it.

So, I dance with him in this upbeat music, I dance we him forgetting of all my problems, frustrations and questions. I dance with him like there was no tomorrow, I dance with him like I didn't lie to my friends.

I dance with him…

…with only his image filling my head, with only his loud laughter that warms my heart.

_I enjoyed his company…this …everything…whatever you call it._


	15. Saturday, 21:48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re surprising, Jihoon…” he put down his beer near the table as he still hug me from behind, “I like surprising people.”
> 
> And I smiled, I fxcking smiled like a fool.

Saturday, 21:48

The music stopped playing…

We finished the whole album, we are on our fourth beer, and just lying on the couch like potatos too tired after our mini jamming session.

“Ayokong tumayo!” parang batang reklamo niya.

I find it quite adorable.

“Wala nang tugtog Jihoon.” Sabi niya habang nagpapout. I don’t know what to do with this kid anymore.

_I’m lost. I lost._

** _FXCKING SHXT, I FELL._ **

That realization fxckin hit me like a thunderbolt and a lot of things keeps on filling my head, but I’m mostly happy that I’m here…with him at an arm’s length.

I let my eyes roam over the room and I caught sight of the piano sitting comfortably next to the speaker.

And without further thought, I walked there, turning off the speaker and moved towards that little organ.

_How long was it when I last played this that I genuinely miss the touching the keys?_

“Do you play?” I asked while I start playing them, hitting random keys, while thinking the right song for this moment.

“I have to tell you that my cover for Happy Birthday is awesome.” He said while relaxing on the couch, I can feel my face contorting forming a smile, I didn’t think he was hopeless case.

“On a further, I also know how to play the theme of ‘Stars Wars’” he added before taking a gulp from his beer.

And continued saying, _“But I don’t really want to impress you.”_

Well, that hurt a bit, but I didn’t mind. Who can I possibly be in his life? I’m just someone he met from the common room, that one kid he saw by the LRT station during the rush hour. I’m not even sure if he think we’re friends.

We have been what? I don’t really have an idea.

It’s just so damn funny for me to fall for someone whom I have about 2-3 hours’ worth of interaction with.

I sighed, “Can I try?” I said while I keep on staring and playing randomly, like an idiot, like a fool.

“Sure.” He said.

And maybe it’s also because of everything I’m feeling right now that I decided to play that song.

I start hitting the right keys for the intro.

And then…I started singing the lyrics together with movements of my fingers as it hit the piano keys...

_“I am tired of this place,_

_I hope people change._

_I need time to replace_

_What I gave away_

_And my hopes, they are high_

_I must keep them small_

_Though I try to resist I still want it all._

_I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes_

_I see a little house on a hill_

_And children’s names_

_I see quiet night poured over ice and Tanqueray_

_But everything is shattering_

_And it’s my mistake_

_Only fools fall for you,_

_Only fools_

_Only fools do what I do,_

_Only fools fall_

_Only fool fall for you,_

_Only fools_

_Only fools do what I do,_

_Only fools fall._

I kept playing the piano, I was too focused to notice that my voice start quivering and that a tear fell from my eyes.

I kept singing, not minding that focused stare I can feel in my back from the person that made me feel a lot of things, the same person who makes me feel frustrated, and the same person who made me this type of mess.

_But I’m fxcking happy despite it all, because I can feel his presence and that for once, I felt like I wasn’t alone. That the void I kept feeling inside of me is finally filled._

_Oh, our lives don’t collide,_

_I’m aware of this_

_We’ve got differences and impulses_

_And your obsession with_

_The little things, you like stick,_

_And I like aerosol_

_I don’t give a fuck, I’m not giving up_

_I still want it all_

_Only fools fall for you,_

_Only fools_

_Only fools do what I do,_

_Only fools fall_

_Only fool fall for you,_

_Only fools_

_Only fools do what I do,_

_Only fools fall._

_I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes_

_I see a little house on a hill_

_And children’s names_

_I see quiet night poured over ice and Tanqueray_

_But everything is shattering_

_And it’s my mistake_

_Only fools fall_

_Only fool fall for you,_

_Only fools_

_Only fools do what I do,_

_Only fools fall._

_Only fools fall_

_Only fool fall for you,_

_Only fools_

_Only fools do what I do,_

_Only fools fall._

_I’m a fxcking fool._

I know that tears continue to flow from my eyes but I let them, I let them because it’s the first time in a while that I managed to pour them out. It was a hard process.

_And I can’t still accept what I’ve realize… I just can’t accept it._

_But being here with him is nice._

* * *

**Daniel’s POV**

**He’s so beautiful.**

**So darn beautiful.**

** _But can I hold onto something this beautiful without breaking him?_ **

* * *

I can feel him from my behind…

And suddenly he hugged me…tight.

“It’s awesome, you’re awesome. You did great.”

He said as he planted a kiss on my head. I wasn’t the type of kiss that a sweet lover would give… it was something that will give anyone the comfort they needed.

_Can he stop being so perfect? Can he just…stop being so sweet. _

Because the more he makes me feel important, the more I fall, the more I drown…I wasn’t even trained how to swim.

“It wasn’t a song movie from the Stars Wars though.” I whispered, as I wiped my tears away. You’ll be fine Jihoon.

But when I thought he’ll laugh, he just look at me with intensity that made all the butterflies in my tummy work overtime as they flutter uncontrollably.

“You’re surprising, Jihoon…” he put down his beer near the table as he still hug me from behind, “I like surprising people.”

And I smiled, I fxcking smiled like a fool.

_Ping!_

Until suddenly, Daniel’s phone rang.

“Oh shit!” he said as he removed his embrace from me, making me feel cold all of a sudden.

_Again…I’m alone._

“Babe?” I what I heard before he moved.

“I’m sorry, I’ll be there in a sec. Okay, I love you.”

And I heard it. I fxcking heard it all like a damn fool.

I let those words whisper in my ears for a thousand fxcking times.

_You fool._

_You know it’s impossible in the first place. You fxckin know._

“I’m sorry Jihoon but I need to move. I forgot I need to join my friends right now.”

“Oh…yeah… me too, I need to move. And go to that party.”

“I’m really sorry, anyway, you want to head downstairs together?”

“Yeah, okay, sure.” I said that, but I really want to just get away from him as fat as I can, the sooner I get out of this place filled with him, the sooner I can get away from this stupid feelings.

I was holding onto the box of beers he gave me as I try to find my strength.

Jihoon, you’ve been through so much, this shit shouldn’t have faze you. You fxcking know that your happiness will never last.

I kept telling that to myself as we down from Daniel’ apartment building, I kept meditating and easing the pain that strike me hot earlier…**_but nothing prepared me for what I’ll see the moment we reach the ground floor._**

**“Belle? Babe?”** he said while smiling and running towards her, kissing her passionately in front of me the moment he had her in his hands.

_They kissed and kissed while I watch, attentively, and I felt like physically cutting my heart. They kissed there while I was watching and breaking. FXCK!_

**But if I thought it ends there, fucking life told me this wasn’t enough of a bullshit.**

**Idiot Woojin:** What the fxck Jihoon? Anong di tuloy?

_And there was a picture of Lulu together with her friends drinking and partying captioning their tweet, “All boys are trash!” with a middle finger emoji waving at me._

** **

**_Girl, I can fxcking relate!_** I thought as I see those two lovebirds walking away, hand in hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do give me motivation T_T


	16. Sunday,  12:59

Sunday, 12:59

  
  


I’m a jerk.

  
  


I’m fucking evil.

  
  


I don’t deserve happiness… I’m just that shit who only thinks about himself. The one who only wants to protect himself…that shit who care less about anybody that would possibly get hurt in the process just to make sure that he won’t be on the losing side.

I don’t deserve happiness but I want  _ him _ …

_ That’s it Jihoon…it’s not like your guilt can change anything you’ve done.  _

Sigh.

I was in deep thoughts, trying to calm myself of my shitty and rash decisions as the light on my laptop distracted me. This had been going on for a whole week and everything that keeps on happening the night before is making me dizzy. 

It was _ his _ fault…

It was _ his _ fault that I’m having second thoughts, it was  _ his _ fault that I turned out like this….

It was  _ his _ fault for being achingly gorgeous…

It was  _ his _ fault that I wanted to try …try to take a leap only to fall back to my original place…alone, with no one else to hold.

He makes me feel warm at one point and only for it to turn cold the next… he makes feel so many things only to leave hanging and wanting for more.

He makes me crave for his existence, makes me miss him and all of those shxts romantic movies portray in the big screen. 

_ It’s both funny and pathetic. _

I looked at my opened laptop again and saw the test I took yesterday… the one that force me to do a decision I should’ve never done.

  
  


**Kinsey’s Scale Test. **

That tab is still open even, I have een looking at it the whole night, like the result would change.

**What is your age?**

It says there, I never imagined doing this… but here I am, someone that cannot take a guy out of his head, like a fxcking idiot. I remember trying to avoid him at any circumstance for the whole week only for me to think about him more…

** _I fxcking miss him and I don’t even know why._ **

  
  


I have always been denying this… and I knew the first time was with my own bestfriend causing him to break up with his girlfriend. I’m that shxt _ . It wasn’t totally my fault, though. I just made it worst _ .

But I, myself needed this confirmation.

That was why I reluctantly typed,  _ 19 _ .

I took a deep breath before I answer that next question.

_ You need to do this Jihoon… _

**You need to fxcking do this.**

  
  


What gender do you identify as?

**O Man**

O Woman

_ And the next part flashed before my eyes. _

**Please evaluate the following statements as either true or false.**

I started answering these silly question as fast as I can.

I never felt sexual desire.

O True ** O False **

I cannot decide what sex I am attracted to more

**O True** O False

I find the idea of having sex with another man repulsive.

O True ** O False **

I wouldn’t want to die without having experimented sexually with both men and women

**O True** O False

I have no interest in sexual intercourse with anyone

_ I was about to answer true…but that tempting lips of his made me change my mind like school girl… _ ** _shxt!_ **

O True ** O False**

The gender composition of an orgy would be irrelevant to my decision to participate

O True **O False**

I avoid watching gay pornography

O True **O False**

I have always been extremely confident in my sexual orientation.

_ This question put me off guard…I know the answer but I have always hesitated, I’ve been that type of coward. So, with trembling hands…this time, I really clicked what I really felt.  _

O True **O False**

I can be sexually attracted to anyone in the right circumstances

**O True** O False

I find men more attractive than women

_ Before I was able to answer this question, I remember him and the way he looked at me. I remember his smile and laughs that filled up the room the last time I met him. I remember his pretty face and his warm touch as he hugged me in the back. I remembered everything so vividly like an idiot. But I smiled…I smiled stupidly as I clicked my answer. _

**O True** O False

I would find threesome with a couple awkward specifically because of the presence of the man.

O True **O False**

_ I find threesome awkward but not because of the presence of a man, what kind of bullshxt is this? _

I am only attracted to men

**O True** O False

I am sexually submissive

_ Wow…? Really? _

**O True** O False

I submitted my answer and clicked to know the results.

I know how it will turn out but I tried to deny it way too many times…

_ You are predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual _

And that made me panicked, so I instantly typed “ _ How to hide you’re gay _ ” like some stupid guy, like the stereotypical idiot who can’t accept reality.

And the first thing I saw is from some random idiot but thought it to be brilliant cause I’m a huge idiot too that believes that google answer is the right answer.

  
  
  


**Random Stranger on the Internet** :  _ With my friend we talk about girls 24/7. Boobs, ass. When I insult someone I say he’s a faggot. Gotta show it disgusts you. Like it’s the ultimate insult. By the way, if someone is out in your school don’t hesitate and show how you hate him.  _ ** _But the best is still to date a girl. The sexier she is the better. The problem is if she wants to have sex. So, better date a prude. And if she starts to get excited, dump her. So, you’re chill and everyone will think you’re a badass so it’s even better._ **

  
  


And the unforgivable dick in me thought nobody but  _ her _ .

  
  


** _Lulu._ **

  
  


Fxck!

  
  


I’m an asxhole.

  
  


But I just can’t let this ruin me and my other relationship.

  
  
  


I just can’t let one guy who obviously won’t love me, won’t fight for me, won’t take me seriously to ruin everything for me, there’s only few years left, I can fxcking survive this without having a guy to shxt all over me and humiliate me in front of the whole student body, I can’t let him just drag me down.

  
  
  


So, I made a shxtty move and sent her a DM.

  
  


_ It’s not like if you don’t commit a mistake Jihoon, you’ll be less evil so why not just do it, right? _

  
  


**Hi**

_ Yeah, you’re a shit Jihoon. _

  
  


**I know u hate me by now but please talk to me?**

  
  


**I want to say sorry for the last time**

  
  


**And to the other things in between.**

She kept on ignoring me and I started to panic. This is not what I expected to happen and yeah, I know I have been a dxck to her, constantly ignoring her presence and here I am now, running to her like a lost puppy _ .  _

  
  


_ Just because you don’t know how to handle your sexuality Jihoon.  _

  
  


I started pacifying her anger by saying nonsense things, things I originally want to tell  _ him _ .

  
  


And just like that I asked her to be my girlfriend, and just like that we became a couple.

  
  


Just like that… I started bragging to my friends and just like that….

** I made things more complicated.**

  
  
  


Especially with  _ Seongwu _ …

  
  


To Seongwu who suddenly found hope to take a leap because he knew how I was so frightened to take things seriously with any girl and here I am declaring my love for someone like I meant it. 

** _Now, I realize why I can’t seriously go out with a girl. You really are a clown, Jihoon._ **

  
  


And now, he’s finding courage to profess his love for my friend, Vonnie.  ** _Idiot. _ **

_ But I guess, I should be happy that I brought a little change to that guy. _

He’s an idiot, yet I still admire his courage. I told him to have faith, that what ifs are far scarier than anything else but here I am doing stupid things, and possibly about to hurt someone just to save myself from pain. 

And then suddenly, _ I saw my ‘girlfriend’ tweeting she was piattos. And I realize, if I’m going to act, I needed to act properly. _

The next I knew was that same night, I was on my way to her apartment. 

_ I wanted to treat her right to lessen my guilt, and to forget about him but that didn’t last long… _

  
  


Because on my way home...

  
  


Last night.

On that same station where I first knew his name.

  
  


I saw  ** _him_ ** .

  
  


Grinning as he greets me.

  
  


**“Hi Jihoon.”**

_ Fxck! _

So much for hiding.

_ “Daniel…”  _ I replied back and I knew hope reflected in my eyes…  _ and I knew that it betrayed, I knew I was silently whispering that I want him. _

  
  


Because I felt it again, the sparks, the tension, the undeniable want to just wrap my hands around his body… to just touch that seemingly seductive lips of his…to bite it.

But his scent that used to be filled with peppermint, the way I remember it was gone, it was filled with strawberry, the undeniable scent of a woman.

And that slapped me back into reality.

_ Someone touched that body, that body I was crazy about. _

_ Someone held that waist and left their scent like she was saying, he was someone else property and I that did it for me. That broke the spell that bound me to him.  _

_ So, I turned my head.  _

_ I turned my head and rushed my way towards the train…away from  _ ** _him_ ** _ . _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this makes up for the week i've been out. 😅


	17. Saturday,  20:31

  
Saturday, 20:31

My phone is ringing non-stop.

Messages and notifications coming from people I know and from a specific person that makes me feel guilty everyday.

  
**Lulu**: Babe? San ka na?

Stupid Woojin: Brad! Anon a? Di ka nanaman ba pupunta? Napaka-MIA lately sa mga galaan. May problem aba?

**Handsome Ong**: Jihoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!! Asan ka na?!

**Donghan**: Ano na Ji? Skip ka nanaman ba? Magkabatch lang tayo pero ang hirap mong mahagilap.

Unang-una sa lahat, TANGINANG ONG YAN! Di ko napansing pinakealam pala ung phone ko, naglagay pa nang kasinungalingan.

Sigh.

Game Face, Jihoon.

_Pupunta kang party kasama ang girlfriend mo, dapat alam mo kung pano aasta._

I kept telling that to myself as I look into the mirror.

Ang gwapo kong sinungaling. Puchang Gala talaga.

Binasa ko ulit ung text ni Von.

_What: Common Room Welcoming Party_   
_When: Saturday, 8:30 PM_   
_Where: Common Room_   
_Password: Infiltrate_   
_Let’s meet at the School’s backdoor and rock things up! _   
_But do it explicitly, the guards might come at us._

  
I want to laugh at that message, Von really tries so hard to look cool. She’s an attention seeker but a wimp, nonetheless.

I put my hood up, i got my cheeks painted with green and black using a body paint to add to complete my look for this rouge themed party. I examined myself in front of the mirror.

My black tee, matched well with my black ripped jeans, I looked casual but my face really did the upgrade.

I wore similarly black hoodie.

It’s confirmed! I’m a real fashion expert.

And I probably said this out loud but... 

_Time to start faking it again, Jihoon._

Me to All_: _On my way. 

and sent! 


	18. Saturday, 23:24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this chapter wasn't proofread. T_T

Saturday 23:24

The party lights, the blaring sounds for the speakers….this is my usual scene.

I found peace in this type of places. Somehow, it felt more like home.

I see my friends dancing, enjoying and making out with different girls that I’m sure they won’t remember the names of.

Well, except for Seongwu, who unsurprisingly having that whipped look in his face while watching Vonnie being anxious, making sure people won’t go out of line.

Her model student title is showing, definitely the wimp I remember her to be, still fears the authority. This school infiltration is such an upgrade. I did not expect this to be her idea.

Maybe her extreme vanity brought this.

However, I’ glad she did organized this party. I needed to loosen up.

**_I need to at least put an effort to be get him out of my head_**.

Is what I want to say but I always end up looking for him the campus.

I always end up wanting to be in a close proximity.

I always watch his _‘Polaris’_ project whenever I don’t see him at school.

What kind of stupidity are you saying, Jihoon? When did you even start to try getting him out of your head?

_What nonsense?_

I shook my head, it’s not the time to think about him. I need to enjoy this night.

I said that but I end up just watching my friends and acquaintances have the time of their lives as I chill on the couch.

I discover that I just wanted to be surrounded by people and noise. That I wasn’t really keen to all this dancing and making out.

I wasn’t really trying to look for him.

_He’s a member of the common room thing, but why is he not here, yet?_

** _ Damn it! _ **

Fxckin try to look enthusiastic, Jihoon.

I let out a breath, I was about to stand and take another cup when I saw my friend, Seongwu with Vonnie.

I struggled to keep my laughter as I saw Seongwu.

He’s a nervous wreck as he tries to persuade Von to dance with him.

I observe Vonnie, her gestures and that small smile she’s trying so hard not to show.

_Tsk! I knew this two will eventually be together. _

_There’s that undeniable spark._

On the other side, I saw Woojin kissing some random stranger. He makes it look like he’s having fun and a sweet time, like the typical playboy that he is.

_Sadly, I know him quite well, I saw him looking at Lee._

It was so subtle that I did not know how I was able to notice it. Maybe because, I’m his bestfriend and I know how much he loved Lee at one point.

_...maybe up until this moment._

My gaze soon fell at Lee…and I wished I didn’t

She looks happy within Minhyun’s embrace.

_ **They look like a perfect couple.** _

They look so inlove and contented.

Minhyun is backhugging Lee and whispering her something that I’ll bet to be those sweet nothings as I saw Lee laugh. I was beautiful. They both look beautiful.

And I’m honestly envious…

How did they manage to find such love in this stressful environment called school?

And suddenly… I saw myself wishing to have something similar.

While I was looking at them, my sight caught Donghan, he was girl a girl, probably older than us. He said he like the experienced ones. He likes how they just know what he wants and the way he wants it.

But if he thought he got everyone fooled…he’s wrong.

He wasn’t the only one observant in the crew. He wasn’t the only one who notice those little details.

It’s rare, but there were couple of time where I saw him looking at one particular girl. Watching her move and make sure that she would never get hurt.

Ironically, she always, ended up, getting hurt.

…well, I hope that this it would be different. I hope this time she will be happy.

It’s depressing but Donghan needs to move on from someone who will never at him more than a friend.

I choose to change the direction of my gaze, I kept seeing my foolish friends’ stupid decisions.

And unsurprisingly, I saw Arci with his boyfriend, Youngmin. They were making out as usual. They always look like those couples in heat.

I shook my head. Did they forgot that this isn’t a hotel? But an actual school?

I closed my eyes for a bit and drown myself to the music.

It wasn’t that loud.

I’m sure it was because of Vonnie’s instruction. Afraid that we would wake the school guard up who was on other side of the building.

I was enjoying the solace when someone suddenly sat beside me.

I don’t to open my eyes to know who that is.

_The perfume was a dead giveaway._

“Vonnie, needs to review her music style.” I heard her giggle as she said that.

I opened my eyes and look at her, “Well, what’s your music preference?” I said with a smile that I have been practicing for a while now.

“Oh…me? I’m more of old-school rock. Maroon 5? You?” she said innocently.

I nodded and took a sip from my beer before I answer, “Lately, I’m into DPR Live. Do you know them?”

I saw her smile even more, probably happy that see learn something new about me, “No, but you’ll introduce them to me, right?”

And me being me, I gave her the generic response. “Okay.” As I took another sip of beer.

Suddenly, I heard a familiar voice.

“Let’s Party!” he said, clearly having fun and obviously had taken too much alcohol.

_Daehwi?_

Lulu’ laughter confirmed it for me, “That’s your flatmate, right?” she said.

I nodded my head as I saw him wearing the pride flag and being open about his sexuality.

_I was…in a way…envious._

With Lulu’s continual giggling though…I felt like I made the right decision of not telling anyone, yet.

“Did he come to the wrong party?” she said as she continue to laugh because Daehwi is now dancing incredulously.

I heard her sigh, maybe from too much laughing, then she smiled at me and she says, “Gays are so fun, they always know how to make it fun.”

“That’s so dumb.” _Oohhh? Arci? When did she came here?_

I saw Lulu’s face contort to that of confusion, “Pardon?”

“You’re fxcking generalizing”

Arci is a bi, and I know she was a bit offended by what Lulu had said. I was not because you condemn gays, does not mean you actually see them as your equal especially when you start stereotyping them.

“Well, not at all, I’m saying something super nice.” Lulu said with indifference and I saw Arci glare.

That might have put Lulu in an awkward situation that’s why she grab my hand and said, “Let’s dance?” a drag me away.

Well… maybe it’s not that bad of an idea.

_Or so I thought._

_He fucking came! With his fxcking girlfriend on tow._

_Wow! Reality just slapped me straight to my face._

_Dammit! He looks so good._

**“Hello!”** he said as soon as he saw us.

His hand was around her girlfriend’s shoulder but his gaze is for…his seductive eyes were looking at me. And here I am again…thinking I have a chance…that I was not the only one feeling this tension between us.

“Hello, _Daniel.”_ It was Lulu who replied because I just can’t seem to find my voice.

“I’m Lulu.” She introduce herself to Daniel’s girlfriend while I remained there, standing and fxckin checking Daniel out.

Like a lovesick fool.

_Why did I have to realize my feeling for him? Why can’t I fxckin let him go?_

“Hi, I’m Belle.” She is pretty…same as her name. And I just look at her…thinking how lucky she is to be able to have someone like Daniel in her arms.

_Daniel smiled at us again but moved pass me soon after. _

Like I didn’t matter.

_Nilampasan niya lang ako…_

Nilampasan niya lang ako habang hawak niya ung kamay ng girlfriend niya…

At ramdam ko ung biglang pagkabasag ko.

Kasama nung pag-asang binubuo ko pa lang.

I guess that brought out the idiotic person living in my head.

_I pulled Lulu closer to me as we dance to the beat to the music. _

I kept doing that as I look at them…

They look happy.

_He looks happy._

Di katulad ko na pinepeke lang ung feellings. Tangina talaga.

I saw Daniel jump to the rhythm with Belle. I saw his laugh lines…

He still look like that pure kid who just want to envelop in your arms.

He still look crazy handsome.

And I needed a distraction.

So, I pulled Lulu closer and land my lips into hers…

I do that while looking at him.

I kissed her while thinking of him…

And slowly….

He showed how he kiss her.

_…But he was looking at me._

He was matching my gaze.

He was looking passed her.

He was focused on me…only me.

The intensity…the touch…it felt like he was kissing me instead.

It felt like a forbidden love affair.

That made me close my eyes.

That made me want to feel that the person I’m locking lips with I him…

That the lips and tongue I was tasting was his.

I imagine the person I was holding isn’t my girlfriend but him.

Only him.

I did all of it, while kissing my own girlfriend.

Like a fxcking hypocrite.

_I heard her gasp but I didn’t care._

I kissed her like how I would’ve kissed him.

A shout from Vonnie together with the music stopping, brought me back to reality.

_“Ung guard! Parating, Kelangan na nating umalis! Bilisin niyo kung ayaw niyo masuspend!”_

That’s our cue.

I saw everyone running after that announcement.

It was chaotic.

Kanya-kanyang ligtas nang sarili. I mean, we are college students, suspension is not good for our records.

As everyone is running, I lost both Lulu and Daniel in the crowd.

I just continuously run…

I just need to run…to clear my head too.

What the heck did I just do?

Sobrang desperado na ba ako? Gustong-gusto kong sabunutan ung sarili ko habang tumatakbo kung di lang ako magmumukhang baliw.

I just run and run…

Until somehow grab hold of my arm and drag me away.

“Daniel?” I blurted

“Hello.” He grinned. Damn! This why I can move on!

“That was close.” I said just to keep the conversation

“Yeah it is.” He replied

“C’mon I’ll walk you back home.” He continued.

“Okay.” I said coolly but my heart was beating so fast. What an actual fxck? Why?! Bakit mo ko ihahatid? Bakit mo nanaman ako binibigyan ng raso para ms lalong ma-fall sayo? Di pa ba sapat tong di kita maalis-alis sa utak ko?!

* * *

“It’s seems hot… you and Lulu.”

After minutes of silence Daniel finally broke it.

“Yeah, she’s great.” I said without putting much thought into it.

“But I don’t know… it is like, she’s too into me, parang nakakastress lang din.” I continued.

I don’t want to ask this question pero ung bibig ko, di napigilan. “Kayo ni Belle? Matagal na kayo”

“Long enough, yeah” he said nonchalantly.

“You can tell?” he asked back

Tahimik akong tumango, “Yeah, she seems nice”

“Yeah, she’s awesome…pero pakiramdam ko malapit na rin kaming matapos.”

I was shocked, napatingin ako sa kanya ng wala sa oras bgo ko binalik sa daan ung mga mata ko.

“I don’t know we’re kind of just turning in circles… at di ko alam kung gusto ko pa ba un.” Pagpapatuloy niya.

I felt hope starting to rise again. It’s stupid how my emotions are too vulnerable from his words.

“To be in a relationship?” I asked, malay mo naman, baka ayaw na niya muna nang anything serious.

But then again, this push and pull of emotions na di ko na alam kung san ilulugar yung sarili ko.

“No, I want to be with someone clearly” he said.

“So, you’re already seeing yourself with another girl?” sabi ko na parang tanga. Alam mo namang oo Jihoon, gusto pang paulit-ulit?

“Well, yeah...” he replied.

But the next thing he said made me lose my composure.

My heart starts beating faster na feeling ko aatakihin ako.

** _“Not necessarily a girl, by the way.”_ **

He said with that cheeky smile of his and I just had to bow my head because I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my sanity if I stare longer.

I was a few more steps before we arrive at my apartment.

“It’s here.” I said and reluctantly look directly into his eyes while was just there standing and using his charms over me.

“So, that’s where we say good night then” he said as he stare at me, and…slowly…very slowly…

Moving his head closer to me…

I can see his beautiful face that felt so fictional.

My gaze soon feel on his lips.

Those thin pinkish lips that I kept on dreaming about.

I was going nearer…

I was reachable…

But, then…

_I heard that voice._

** _“Hello?”_ **

_Dane?! Bat siya nandito?_


	19. Tuesday, 8:33

SKAM!

Tuesday, 8:33

_‘Pwede ka bang makita after class?’ _

I‘ve been repeating that same message for almost an hour now and I don’t know why I’m still smiling over it.

_You really are hopeless Jihoon, nakalimutan mo na agad na pinaghintay ka nya ng more than two hours last week dahil may usapan kayong pipinturahan ung mural ng common room para makatakas sa mga kababalaghang pinaggagawa niyo nung nakaraan bago ang mga exams._

Pero anong magagawa ko? Everytime na gusto kong kalimutan siya at magmove-on nalang, everytime na kasama ko yung girlfriend ko at barkada ko, sya lagi ung naiisip. Nakakatanga na nga minsan eh.

I closed my eyes…. _When can I fxckin hate you? When can I stop liking someone unreachable as you?_

I sighed and looked back at that day when he decided to cancel our plans without leaving a trace or sending a message that he can’t come.

It’s stupid how I immediately accepted his apology few days after that incident.

Ang rupok lang natin talaga Jihoon. Kapag siguro may award sa karupukan, 1st placer ka na.

Well, okay lang yun, atleast naranasan mo maging first kahit minsan lang, kase di mo kayang maging first sa puso niya.

_Ano daw? Hahaha. Tanga ka talaga Jihoon. Asa ka pa, isa pa._

Hayyyyyy!!!!! Mukha ka talagang tanga nun… bat ka nga pala naghintay? Bat ka pa umasa nung araw na un.

Bakit? Porke ba sinabi niya na gusto na niyang makipaghiwalay kay Belle kase nagsasawa na siya at hindi necessary na girl yung gusto niya, ikaw na agad yun?

_Feelingero, assumero. Lahat nalang ata ng title nakuha mo na Jihoon, di ka man lang nahiya._

Pero kase I fxcking waited for 2 whole hours for him! Kase akala ko may something, ako lang ba ang naka-feel ng sparks? Nyeta lang ah.

Sa totoo lang, gusto ko na lang itawa ung katangahan ko minsan.

Why are you even hoping Jihoon? You know well how that guy disappears all the time yet you’re still here waiting, hoping and wanting him.

_Jihoon, when are you going to learn your lesson?_

_Why did you even volunteer in painting that fxcked up mural just to see him when he doesn’t even care about you? _

_Seriously, Jihoon? You’re impossible._

But I guess that’s just how stupid the whole love thing is.

I replied to his text.

_‘Bakit?’_

‘_Gusto kitang makita.’_

_‘Bakit?’_

_‘Miss na kita….? Haha’_

….

** _Huwag kang bibigay Jihoon, Huwag! Tangina mo! _ **

**Me to Daniel:**

San tayo pupunta?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry dahil masyadong late mga updates T.T I'll try harder.


	20. Tuesday, 19:45

Tuesday, 19: 45

His smile…

His beautiful innocent smile that always gets me.

That’s how he greeted me earlier, he displayed his signature grin that looks like that of a child unsure of how I’ll react... 

He got a car that doesn’t look that fancy, he said he rented it for today and tomorrow.

And he said he wanted to tell me something.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tagaytay…

Alam ko yung daan na to, pero bakit niya ko dadalhin dun?

Anong meron sa lugar na un? When he practically begged me to come with him, I didn’t know where we’ll be going, nagpatianod nalang ako.

Hindi ko rin naman siya tatanggihan kaya di ko maiintindihan kung bakit parang gusto niyang magmakaawa na sumama ako sa kanya.

Nasa loob kami ng kotseng hiniram niya, kasama ng musika na pinapatugtog niya.

Sa totoo lang gusto kong matawa dahil puro DPR Live yung laman ng playlist niya…

But then…

Suddenly..

Fools by Troye Sivan started playing.

And here’s the thing…

I was hearing my voice.

It was my raspy and desperate voice together with the calming tone of the piano.

“Nirecord mo?” I asked habang nanlalaki ang mata. I didn’t notice that he was recording that time… I mean, he looked wasted at that time and about to fall asleep.

He nodded, “Yup, how can I not? That song … reminds me of myself.”

“Only fools fall for you”

He sang that part as he slowly reach for my hand that had been resting on my lap and said, “I guess I really am a fool. But I don't mind it.”

He held on it tightly as his lips curve upwards and eyes gazed forward.

A grin slowly appear from my face as I bow my head to hide the blush that start to creep into my cheeks.

“Stupid.” I said silently… we both are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> badterp ung internet T.T


	21. Tuesday, 20:45

  
Tuesday, 20:45

His smile…

His beautiful innocent smile that always gets me.

That’s how he greeted me earlier, he displayed his signature grin that looks like that of a child unsure of how I’ll react...

He got a car that doesn’t look that fancy, he said he rented it for today and tomorrow.

And he said he wanted to tell me something.

* * *

_Tagaytay_…

Alam ko yung daan na to, pero bakit niya ko dadalhin dun?

Anong meron s lugar nay un? When he practically begged me to come with him, I didn’t know where we’ll be going, nagpatianod nalang ako.

Hindi ko rin naman siya tatanggihan kaya di ko maiintindihan kung bakit parang gusto niyang magmakaawa na sumama ako sa kanya.

Nasa loob kami ng kotseng hiniram niya, kasama ng musika na pinapatugtog niya.

  
Sa totoo lang gusto kong matawa dahil puro DPR Live yung laman ng playlist niya…  
But then…

Suddenly..

Fools by Troye Sivan started playing.

And here’s the thing…

I was hearing my voice.

It was my raspy and desperate voice together with the calming tone of the piano.

“Nirecord mo?” I asked habang nanlalaki ang mata. I didn’t notice that he was recording that time… I mean, he looked wasted at that time and about to fall asleep.

He nodded, “Yup, how can I not? That song … reminds me of myself.”

“Only fools fall for you”

He sang that part as he slowly reach for my hand that had been resting on my lap and said, “I guess I really am a fool.”

  
He held on it tightly as his lips curve upwards and eyes gazed forward.

  
A grin slowly appear from my face as I bow my head to hide the blush that start to creep into my cheeks.

  
“Stupid.” I said silently… we both are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My internet connection is shitty as hell.


	22. Wednesday, 5:10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I touched his face and wonder if what happened last was just a dream…
> 
> But the way he moved closer to our both naked bodies and how he held on me tighter made all my worries disappear.

Wednesday, 5: 10

I woke up with a smile on my face.

I felt like this is the first morning that I felt utterly content and thankful with life.

On my side is the hottest guy I could think of.

I touched his face and wonder if what happened last was just a dream…

But the way he moved closer to our both naked bodies and how he held on me tighter made all my worries disappear.

He’s here

I can touch him….

And honestly, that’s all that matters.

He is all that ever matter.

I gave Daniel a peck on the lips before I close my eyes again…recounting everything that happened last night.

* * *

_We decided to stop on the first restaurant we saw the moment we reach Tagaytay since parehas na kaming parang kakain na ng tao dahil sa gutom._

_“Bakit tayo nagpunta dito?” I asked him, curiosity is gonna kill me one day, I just knew it._

_“I want to show you something.” Sabi nya habang kinakagat yung ang labi nya na parang hindi sigurado pero nakangiti parin siya na parang excited pero kinakabahan._

_“Ano yun?” I urged him like an annoying brat._

_“You’ll know, for now kain muna tayo.” He said as he took a bite from the meal we ordered._

_We enjoyed…and I think I enjoyed more than I’m allowed to._

_Especially the view._

_ Everything about the place comforted me…even the person eating in front of me._

_I like watching him eat… I like being near him_

_And as ridiculous as it sound, I think he likes my company too …_

_For one, he never let go of my hands the moment he held on it in the car earlier, na parang takot siyang bitawan…na para bang kapag binitaan niya yung kamay ko, mawawala ako sa kanya. Na parng takot na takot siyang mangyare yun. _

_And that made me feel special…needed…wanted._

_That made me feel like I’m not the only one who wants this…who want us._

_That made me feel like I’m not that hopeless and that the feeling is mutual._

_We finished our meals soon after but we stayed for a little bit more, we talked about so many nonsense thing, anything, from the things we liked and disliked to the weird-shaped trees that surrounds us. _

_Everything._

_Like we wish to just extend the moment, to enjoy each other’s company like there will be no tomorrow._

_It felt nice. _

_No one here knew us._

_No one here could judge us._

_Here, we can be ourselves and let our feelings out._

_Tonight it felt like I’m not the only one inlove._

_Na hindi lang ako ang may gusto nito…_

_Na mahal din ako ng taong mahal ko._

_I sighed and asked him, “So, san na tayo?” baka kase kapag tumagal pa, mas lalo lang akong maging tanga._

_He tighten his grip on my hand and said, “I’ll show you something amazing, a part of me that no one ever saw.”_

_I know I’m doomed the moment I stood up and let him bring me to wherever that place was but who am I kidding, right? I know deep inside, I want this, no matter the consequence because I’m stupid like that._

* * *

_“Anong ginagawa mo?’ I asked him as we entered as less secluded place, near the hills. It had a small gate, barely visible in the dark, secured with a tiny lock, meaning someone’s taking care of the place._

_“Binubuksan?” he said and showed me the tiny key he had. Does he own this place? Why does he have an access here?_

_“Bat ka may susi dito?” I asked, with a tone full of curiosity_

_But he didn’t answer me like the usual, keeping the mystery that shrouded him intact, which unfortunately, just made me want him more._

_But he smiled looking innocent and naïve as he said, “Trade secret.” _

_As I heard the subtle clicking sound, indicating that it was unlocked. _

_He let go of our intertwined hands and aimlessly started to walk inside, like he was in daze while I stayed on my spot, hesitant…_

_But he said, “Aren’t you coming?” while looking back at me like urging me to take a step forward._

_“So, what can you say?” he queried the moment we are both inside. It looks like a garden filled with trees and nothingness. It felt like a place hidden that hugs someone that wants to be away from everything._

_“I admit it’s pretty good.” I said, because it really is. It calms you in unimaginable way._

_We were walking, and I don’t know where we are going as follow him around._

_But then, I stopped._

_“Anong problema?” tanong niya and I showed him my phone._

_“Deadbat na ko.” I said, meaning di ko rin magagamit ung flashlight niya, and I don’t want to admit it, but I’m kindof afraid of how my surrounding darken, I’m only thankful from the light that the moon emits._

_Pero, anjan nanaman siya, making me feel like he will not leave me and he said, “It’s okay I’ll guide you”_

_“You’l_ _l guide me?” I asked, probably making sure I heard it right._

_“Yeah, come on.” He said as we continued to walk over the place while a comfortable silence envelop us._

_“Do you come here often?” I suddenly asked, not because I am desperate to know him more but I can’t reconcile well with prolonged silence._

_“Yeah, it’s my favorite place in the city.” Sabi niya as he continued to look forward._

_“Do you hear how calm it is?” he added_

_“Yeah.” I replied while nodding my head._

_“It’s a haven here.” he whispered as he look … I don’t know…solemn? _

_“This is where I come when I want to be alone.” _

_“You are taking people where you want to be alone?” I said, almost trying not to laugh at the irony, unaware of how his next words will bind me to another spell I know I would fail to get out of._

_“No…but right now, it’s special.” He said as a grin slowly tries to creep on his face. It was so damn beautiful especially at how the moon angled perfectly to it._

_“I take nobody, usually.” He continued, I know my heart is dropping by every word he spouts._

_But what hit the nail was the next one…next thing he mumbled._

_“You’re the first.”_

_First… I know I’m petty but I love hearing that. First. Priority. Someone had put me first._

_But I was still unsettled so I asked bravely like it wouldn’t hurt me._

_“Not even Belle?”_

_And he just smiled for a while, and then he turn his head on the side, he locked eyes with me, showing intensity, fervor…and emphasized_

_“The first.”_

_And the butterflies’ starts dancing on my stomach, I just knew it, and I’m thankful of the night sky at how it expertly hides my blush._

_And he stopped walking._

_“It’s here.” He said and in front of us is a tunnel. I figured it will be a small one, more like I wished it was a small one._

_“Come on” he said when I looked like I’m stoned in my place, unable to move a muscle._

_“Come on” he urge_

_“Come on.” And further urged._

_And finally, I got my feet moving._

_“This is my home.” He said at the moment we entered the tunnel._

_“Do you like it?” he asked with a cheeky grin on his face._

_“Thank you for welcoming me.” I replied, with a slight mockery in my tone._

_He laughed for a bit before asking me again, “No, honestly, do you like it?”_

_“Or…are you afraid?” he added._

_“Me, afraid?” I asked, trying to mask my fear._

_“No. Not afraid.” I said with a little conviction trying to make myself believe in it. _

_“Not afraid?” he asked again._

_“Not afraid.” I replied…again_

_“Not even a little bit scared?” he continuously inquired, and I should’ve caught the growing mischievous smile in his face._

_“You’re a weird guy.” He even said as he closed his own flashlight and the darkness envelop us and I swear I almost shit my pants. _

_Alam mo yung total darknes, yung wala ka talagang Makita and I gets lonelier and scary. I felt that, I felt that coldness._

_“Daniel?”_

_“Where are you?”_

_“Honestly, it’s not funny at all.”_

_I said continuously, almost shouted just to hear something inside this tunnel, just to know I’m breathing._

_Then, he suddenly turned his light on, “Yeah. Still not afraid?” he said, almost mocking me but I only felt relief to see him because he still not holding my hands again from the moment we entered this place._

_I’m missing the warmth of his callous hands. _

_So right now all I can think of is, finally, I can see him._

_“Still not.” I said with my fake courage._

_He closed his light again, but open it faster than he did earlier._

_“And there, now?”_

_“Not afraid either,”_

_“Okay.”_

_“I still won’t do it anymore because you still look scared.”_

_“How nice.”_

_I know I should’ve known better than to believe him, he’s like a naughty kid who knows how to push my buttons and make me feel every emotions available to mankind._

_“Fuck, Daniel! Seriously!” I shouted when he turned the our only source of light again._

_“Alright, a little bit scared.” I admit, I should’ve just said that earlier._

_It took his a few more seconds before opening our light again._

_And I showed him my unamused face, saying what he did just now isn’t funny, and hope that would keep him at bay._

_But then…._

_He moved closer…_

_and closer… _

_and closer… _

_….blindingly closer until all I can see is him…_

_only him _

_…and then he close his flashlight again…making me see the same nothingness again. Making me feel that same coldness._

_And then the rain starts pouring._

_“Daniel?”_

_I shouted his name again as I aimlessly walk into that nothingness…however I can also hear his steps._

_He run further…_

_To that place outside the tunnel, to that place where the moon shines on him…on the place I can finally see him even without the flashlight the kept us together._

_Amazing…_

_How did we even reached the end…I don’t know._

_But he was standing there…soaked by the rain._

_He smiled at me…like he was waiting…_

_“What are you doing?! Bat ka nagpapaulan? Magkakasakit ka nyan, may dala ka pa bang damit?!” I shouted at him but he just stand there, all still._

_“What? Are you afraid of rain, too?” his taunting seeps in his voice. _

_I don’t know why I took that as a challenge and run towards him but stopped at a respectable distance._

_“Not really.”_

_Then, I don’t know what hit me but I started raising both of my hands….the same way as the character animation in Daniel’s Polaris Project._

_He smiled as he reach for my hand, doing the same thing…like he was expecting this._

_He then, interlocked them._

_Man, I don’t know why I already miss the feeling when it wasn’t that long when he let go of our hands._

_But he tighten the grip…_

_So tight like he didn’t want to lose this…ever._

_A smile starts creeping from both of our faces and the next thing I knew was…_

_His lips lock into mine…_

_Wala na yung suyuan, yung teasing… wala na yung parang pag-apak sa manipis na yelo. _

_I felt like the wait is finally over._

_And this time it wasn’t just our hands._

_This time it was with that part of his face that I craved for a month now._

_And it tasted like how I imagined it to be._

_It was the same minty and addicting mix of cigarette._

_We shared that passionate kiss._

_A kiss full of want, desire and pleasure…_

_Yung halik na sabik, yung halik na parang antagal naming inintay, yung halik na gutom…yung halik na mapang-angkin._

_We keep doing that in the middle of the rain, in a place nobody can see._

_In a place that there’s only Daniel and Jihoon._

_And there we kissed to our hearts’ content._

_It was beautiful and burning._

_It was the type of kiss that makes you want to ask for more until you lose your breath._

_And it was the first time I felt something like that._

_It was the first time I felt truly free._

_It was the first time I enjoyed kissing someone._

_ And it definitely made me feel weak in my knees like how novels described it. It felt like our very first kiss._

_It was a kiss that I can feel up to my very toes._

_It was that intense._

_Our lips were dancing and we just can’t get enough…_

_So much that we kept doing it for a whole 30 minutes only stopping to take a breath and devour each other’s mouth again. _

_I was only thankful that the rain stopped soon after as we cuddle our way out of Daniel’s sanctuary._

_\-----_

_It was very late in the night that time we got back to the car Daniel rented, so both of us decided to stay the night in Tagaytay, we booked a decent and affordable hotel room and asked to dry clean our clothes._

_We slept together naked, made out and cuddled all night until we both felt tired and fall asleep._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a short twitter flirting in Jihoon and Daniel's personal tweet accounts for this au later. :)


	23. Sunday, 17:58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited piece of garbage. em soweee

Sunday, 17:58

I look shit.

I haven’t had a proper sleep yet since Friday, the day that shit decided to go MIA on me without even an ounce of an explanation.

And thinking how Dane interrogated me few days ago about him is making me feel unnecessary anxiety.

* * *

_She greeted that day with her usual bright smile, “Hi, Jihoon, so how was your mini vacation?” she asked._

_I remember looking confused with my dishevelled hair because there’s a hint of teasing in her voice, “What?” I asked. _

_“Oh, wala naman, nakita lang kita kasama nung guy friend mo kagabi. Mukhang hinatid ka niya. So, did you have fun?”_

_I don’t know what or how to answer para hindi niya ko paghinalaan, para hindi niya malaman…_

_“Oh, yeah. He’s a good friend.”_

_“Uh-huh.”_

_I don’t know why I was offended by the way she said that but I felt the need to defend myself, or atleast say something, “Why? Bawal na ba ngayon na ihatid ng lalaki ang kapwa niya lalaki?”_

_Umiling lang si Dane, “I never said anything.”_

_“Bat parang may malisya yung tono mo?” I said like the stupid I always am who looks for a fight whenever he felt like it._

_I don’t know why I started to feel defensive, I know I’m happy with Daniel but I don’t know if he wanted something serious, we’re both in a relationship with someone right now or if I’m ready to tell everyone about my sexuality. I don’t know if the people around me with accept me._

_It felt frustrating and stupid._

_But I also felt happiness with him that I never experienced before and that makes me a lot more frightened._

_“Wala akong sinasabi JIhoon. Let’s just drop the subject.” said Dane and that made me back down._

_“Okay.” That’s all I said and went to school because I’m running late._

* * *

Napabuntong hininga nalang ako.

But here’s the thing, Daniel made me feel like I’m wanted and special. Like a prized possession yet I forgot to know place. To now where I actually stand, but it becomes harder to think about my boundaries everytime with him. It’s hard because he makes me feel that he can give up everything for me. And he’s ready to off the cliff if I said so.

I remember our conversation last Thursday, the day I last saw him. Just a day after our mini getaway.

It’ so funny how fast we turn our relationship around. One moment, it felt like we are both inlove and the next thing I knew is that he’s gone from my sight, nowhere to be found.

* * *

_Png!_

**Daniel:** Dito ako sa labas. :)

I remember that text he sent me that Thursday. I remember my face lighten up from the boring discussion of our prof. I remember rushing outside the room the moment our old professor said the class dismissed, meeting him and how I dragged him in a little secluded place away from my friends view. I remember how he smiled and laugh at me. And how he naturally give a peck on my lips.

I remember that soft minty scent coming from his mouth. I remember how I cling on his arms and beg for him to deepen the kiss.

I also remember how he ruffled my hair as he dropped the bomb, “Sinabi ko na kay Belle.”

I remember being bummed out that he stop kissing me and the first thing I’ll hear is his girlfriend’s name but the moment what he said finally sink in, I stopped. “What…?”

He smirked and continued, “about us. I told her about us.”

I don’t know why I panicked or why did I not even think of it and when he saw my expression changed into something that isn’t quite what he expected, he asked me, “Doesn’t that make you happy?”

Umiiling ako, I put on a smile na medyo alanganin, and said, “It does, of course. alot.”

But I continued, “I just don’t want you to be sad or feel like it’ my fault.”

Nginitian niya ko na parang ang nonsense ng sinabi ko, “But, I’m not sad.” He said while cupping both of my cheeks.

“You swear?” Tanong ko, I felt the need to be assured. Sanay akong di maniwala sa mga pangako ng iba pero ngayon kase ang hirap hindi umasa.

“Hm-hmm.” He said while nodding.

“And you? Would you tell your parents about us?” he asked as he kept staring at me, like he is looking for validation.

I replied with a curt “yeah…”

And continued, like I was assuring myself too that this is okay, that I’m with the person I really like. “My dad feels guilty for leaving and let us manage this shit, so…he won’t have a lot to say.”

“And my mom….she is crazy, so we don’t care.” I said like it didn’t matter, like I can really handle this coming out thing. Like I didn’t go batshit crazy the moment I realized I was inlove with this hot, beautiful and enigmatic man in front of me.

But I saw his smile faltered as he ask, “What do you mean crazy?”

I sighed, I don’t want to explain this and how she would message me everyday with bible verses but I think I needed to explain it to him, so I said, “She thinks it’s the apocalypse and that Jesus sent her on Earth to save us all.”

And when I still don’t see the usual smile he gives me, I said “Don’t worry, I don’t talk to her.”

But when I thought he’ll drop the subject as it is, he became more inquisitive, “I don’t worry. Why don’t you talk to her?”

So to end the conversation about her I simply replied with, “Because I don’t need crazy people in my life.”

But the next thing I knew was something I didn’t expect. I was about to continue the kiss we shared when he ruffled my hair instead and said,

_“You’re gonna be late for class.”_

And that was the last time I saw him that week and the very next day, he blocked me.**_ Fxck Me!_**

* * *

I really don’t know how I came to that, what happened in between that I didn’t catch.

But it fxcked me up at how he just easily left me without any explanation. Without any notice. Sana kahit sinabi man lang niya sakin na joke lang lahat ng yun par di ako umaasa ngayon. Pra di ko binabalik-balikan yung nagyare samen sa Tagaytay.

* * *

Wednesday…Sept 23, 2019. Isang araw sa buhay ko na alam kong hindi-hindi ko makakalimutan.

The day I gave my _everything._

To the guy named Daniel.

Isang araw na pinili kong mging masaya and to stop thinking about others or they might say. Isang araw na sinabi ko sa sarili kong, worth it tong taong toh, na hindi ka magsising ibigay sa kanya yung lahat sayo.

My future self would be laughing at my stupidity.

But nothing mattered that time…

Only his lips that I kissing and romancing every part of my body, saying how much he loved every flaw of it and say how perfect I am in his eyes.

Only his sweet nothings that kept on whispering as he touch every sensitive part of my body.

It was only him that mattered.

Only his warmth and assurance.

Only the way he moved on top of me making my head go blank and felt pleasure I never imagined I would feel.

Only his everything that consumed me matter.

And when everything is said and done, only his body next to mine matters.

Only the way he cuddled me like he could never dare lose me in hi life.

Only that moment.

* * *

I don’t want to cry so I held it in. _It’s not like it’s the first time you’ve been left by the people who told you they’ll never leave, right JIhoon?_

I am tougher than that.

I said it like a mantra as my head go to that day again, stabbing my heart a few more times.

* * *

We kept kissing again after the release, we can’t get enough of each other but I never even once felt like I’m being disrespected.

I never felt like we aren’t making love.

I felt the sparks fly with the heat…It was a wonderful feeling.

But then he stopped and smiled at me, “I’m your first guy, right?”

I want to laugh at how unnatural and a bit insecure that sentence came out from him yet I still sounded hopeful.

“My first what?” I asked feigning innocence as he rub our nose together.

“..your first guy…”

And before I can stop myself I let out a small smile from my face.

“Well, I’ll take that as a yes.” He said as he cup my face and continually rub our noses together.

“What about you?” It was my turn to ask.

And he playfully raise both of his eyebrows and I can’t help but to chuckle at the gesture, “ah, okay.”

He followed my chuckling soon after that turn into another make-out session, we kept doing that, letting the time pass as we wait for the moment to go back in Manila.

And while playing around, I asked him, “What did you think the first time you saw me at the meeting for the common room?”

He grinned and replied, “I thought, ‘It’s him, for sure, he’s scared of the dark!’”

That made me laugh, “Gagu! I’m not scared of the dark! How would you react with a weird guy like that in a tunnel without light?”

He then started playing with my hair and said, “The first I saw…I wasn’t at the meeting.”

And that shocked me, so I kept asking him, kiniliti ko na siya at lahat-lahat pero tinawanan niya lang ako.

“Bat ayaw mong sabihin?” I even pouted and acted like a spoilt but cute little kid but he’ll just laugh at me.

“I’ll tell you…but not now.” He said and continued, “but remember…I liked you first.”

And I’m sold.

I kissed him, let my lips linger on him a little bit longer, I tasted his mouth again like I never had tasted them the whole night long.

And while we continue lying on the bed, I asked, _“What would you have done if I didn’t come to the meeting?”_

_“Or if I took the bus earlier or later?”_

I said and went on…

_“Perhaps we would never have met.”_

He kissed me on my nape before he replied, “I admit, it’s scary.”

_“But in the end it happened.”_

He said while sparing me a glance and continued on saying, “…you know, when I have a choice to make, I always tell myself that there are two paths to take. I end up taking one because I have to make a choice at that time… but I will never know what I missed by not taking the other one. I drives me crazy.”

I then turned and look at him with a teasing glimmer in my eyes, “And now? Don’t you feel like you took the right path?”

I heard him chuckled, “Yes, of course I do.”

I continued on as I rest my head on his shoulders as I was tightly wrapped around his arms, “When I have a choice to make, I tell myself that there are other Jihoons, in other parallel universes who took the other path…. so, between all of the Jihoons of all the universes… we’ve tried everything.”

I heard him chuckle again, maybe finding what I said as a joke, he then asked…“What are the other Jihoons doing right now?”

“Right now, huh…”

“Now, there is a very muscular Jihoon who’s surfing on a huge wave in Bali.”

“Ok...”

“Another one is in a skyscraper in New York, signing a million-dollar contract with some very angry Russians.”

“How do you know that the businessman Jihoon isn’t at the top of the building, ready to jump in the void? Like it’s a huge burn-out?” he asked like he was trying not to laugh at the incredulous theory on parallel universe.

“But that’s awful!” I said back in protest as I try to move myself away from him but he just tighten his hold on me.

“I admit, I don’t really believe in all that.” He said

“You’re wrong.” I reiterated in a definite tone.

“You’re wrong because there are many other Jihoons and Daniels, in other parallel universes who are together right now.”

He stopped whatever he wants say as he leaned closer like we weren’t close enough to his liking.

But then, his phone rang, that’s when he decided to let go of his hold on me.

I saw his eyebrows creased, so I asked, “Is that Belle?”

He nodded and turned his phone off and lied beside me again.

“You know what? Daniel 123 has to go talk to her. Me, though, I’m staying here.”

“Really, huh?”

“Hmmm.”

“Well, Jihoon 529 is very happy with this decision.”

* * *

And before a tear can escape from my eyes a message from my bestfriend came.

**Stupid Woojin:** Dane told me you look like shxt, wanna grab some drink with the gang?

_Sigh…Dane._

**Me **to **Stupid Woojin:** Sure.


	24. Sunday, 23:12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unedited ulit huhuhu

Sunday, 23:12

We’ve been hanging out for a quite a while now and I’ve been faking laughter and smiles since I came here at this weird coffee shop with a very fun name, it’s called **_tea the?._**

But I don’t how Woojin caught on it but he dragged me out while the two, Seongwu and Donghan are arguing about girls and how their size and age doesn’t matter and all other pervy shxt.

But Woojin is Woojin, he’s my childhood friend, and I’m pretty he can smell my bullshxt from a mile away. So, the moment we’re out of the café he immediately interrogated me, “What the problem?”

I acted like what he asked was a ridiculous question, “There’s no problem.” I said with a shrug.

By that he looked at me sternly, “No. You’re avoiding us all the time. Don’t tell me ‘There’s no problem’. Don’t take me for a fool, Jihoon.”

I sighed and probably burst out a little like I have the right to do just that, “I’m not avoiding you. It’s just that has nothing to do with you, alright?”

“Hey, you think that I can’t help you? Wait, are we friends or are we pretending?” he said, visibly annoyed.

Gusto ko naang matapos toh, I don’t have the energy to argue. “I promise you, if there is something. I’d tell you.”

And then he look at me inquisitively, trying to make sure if I’m really telling the truth, so I continued.

“There’s nothing. There’s nothing, I’m just here. I wanna enjoy my night with my bestfriends, that’s all.”

And I can see him backing down as he said, “Alright, that’s the point.”

“Okay.” I replied as we are about to go back in the café with y friends when we them coming out and rushing towards us.

“Oh, guys!! I just got a text. Big, big, big party at Lulu’s tonight! So, ano? Punta ba tayo?” said Donghan.

“Besides there’ll be Vonnie. And I feel like tonight will be my chance, feeling ko talaga papansinin na niya ko.” Gatong naman Seongwu na wala paring tigil sa pangbubully kay Von, I don’t think ligaw ang twag sa ginagawa niya eh.

“Of course, it’s your night, that’s sure.” Of course that’s Donghan adding fuel to the fire.

“Jihoon, can you let us in?” tanong ni Seongwu and I can see expectation in everyone’s eyes.

“I can’t.” I said with my strict tone

But I crumbled when Woojin asked, “What do you mean you can’t?”

Followed by Donghan again, “Are you serious?”

“Donghan, you know that Lulu is mad at me, right?”

“Stop, you know she’s not mad at you, ikaw lang ang nag-iisip nun.”

“Jihoon, you can’t do this to me, alright?” pagpapaawa pa ni Ong, leche, mukha siyang aso.

“Also Jihoon, ito na ung pambawi mo sa lahat ng occasion na namiss mo, mga barkda outing natin.” Donghan is way too good in making someone feel guilty.

I sighed, “Alright…alright, let’s go.”

“Yeeessss!!Vonnine! Vonnie! Honeybooo!! Here comeeee!!” sigaw ni Ong, seryos, ewan ko lang talaga kung may pag-asa tong isang toh.

We took a cab para makarating sa village nila Lulu. Lu..she’s quite on the rich side of the town, it’s intimidating to say the least. But I get why my friends are excited, they like big parties when they can meet new people and fxck around.

“We are here to have a great night!” shouted Ong like the ever kid in the group that he is.

“But you know nobody!” said Donghan, crushinghis unicorn world.

It only took few minutes before we reached Lulu’s house, because it’ already late and the traffic in not that bad anymore.

Also thank god, walang pasok bukas because of transport strike.

“You ready, let’s go?” Woojin asked as he starts looking livelier.

“Yeessss!!” the other two said in unison as Woojin starts knocking the door.

“We are here to have fun!” Shouted Ong, he’s really the cringey one.

“We are Lulu’s friends!” Woojin immediately introduced himself to the man guarding the door.

“Im sorry but I don’t think you lot are invited.”

“Who are you?” asked Seongwu, almost ready to fight.

“Let’s just go guys, let’s leave.” I said, I really don’t want to be here right now.

“No, that looks wicked! Come on!” said Donghan, yep, there;s no way I can drag these party addicts away.

And then I heard Ong shouting,

“Vonnie!!!!”

“Can you tell him to let us in please. Clearly he doesn’t know who we are.” Ong begged Vonnie, and I think she’s about to heed to that request if not only for the girl beside her interrupted and started saying, “Hey, you’re the dude that held my hair last time at Arci’s party!”

“Nope.” Seongwu tried to deny her and I wanted to laugh at how thing have turned.

I saw how Vonnie’s gaze starts to turn sinister “Yeah, so you basically holding any girl’s hair.” I want to laugh, she’s still denying her feeling for Ong but here she is, actually getting jealous.

“No, no, no,” I can hear Ong’ desperate plea

But Vonnieis Vonnie, she can’t be easily swayed by Ong acting like a wounded puppy, “Yeah, that’s it, you dickhead.”

“Von! Vonnie. No, wait.” Ong tried, Sinubukan niya talagang habulin kaso ang tindi ng pagkakaharang ni kuyang door guard.

“Stay put, dude please.” I said.

“Chill out, bro. Jealousy is always a good sign.” Well, magandang gatong talaga si Donghan, he knows how to pacify the group’s big baby/

_“Really?”_

_“Sure! Did you see how she looked at you?”_

_“You should, she’s soo into you.”_

I was blankly listening in Donghan and Seongwu’s conversation when my eye caught a familiar figure.

He was there smiling and dancing…living…unlike me who felt like dying this past few days.

He was there flirting…with Belle in his arms.

Am I just a joke to you?! Is what I wanted to tell him.

And I couldn’t stop my feet from entering the house ignoring everything and everyone. I don’t give a damn to the guy guarding the door.

All I was focused on doing is to have a good look on him…on Daniel. Just to make sure it was him. I wanted to be wrong, I want to say na namamalikmata lang ako, na dahil miss na miss ko lang talaga siya kaya kahit dito sa maingay na lugar na ito, nakikita ko siya.

Gusto kong maniwala na mali yung nakikita ko. I want to believe na hindi niya ako niloloko, na di lang ako isang joke o laruang napagsawaan.

I rushed to where he is, I rushed there to make sure…I didn’t know that I run to the end of the cliff. Di ako na inform na tatakbo pala ako diretso sa kamatayan ko.

I didn’t mistake him for someone…I didn’t mistake them from anyone.

It’s Daniel and Belle …they look so fine.

And then someone grabbed me….

Lulu.

“Why are you here? Walang kang karapatan na pumunta rito.”

“Look, I’m sorry about the last time, sa di ko pagsipot-sipot a mga dates natin. I’m really really sorry.”

“Oh, no! I’m not pissed about the last time or the many times na inindian mo ako. Alam mo kung san ako galit? Dun sa part na ginamit mo ako at pinagmukhang tanga. Na ginamit mo ako kase bakla ka!”

“What are you saying?”

“Bakla ka Jihon! You’re GAY!”

“What are you talking about?”

“Belle told me everything. Yung pagpunta niyo ng Tagaytay? Do you think you can still fool me? Ganun ba ako Katanga sa paningin mo?”

She said as she walked out on me.

And I felt like my world spun around and did a 180. I felt like every people’s gaze was on me and judging me, my identity and that they were looking at me differently, like I’m a disgusting piece of a scumbag.

But what’s worse? It’s seeing him…Daniel. That one guy I thought I can risk everything for…I moment I looked back at their direction, I saw him kissing Belle.

And that crushed me.

My every hope and my will to stand.

But I break down here..

Not here…

I can’t look weak here.

So, I turned around and made my way out.

And the moment I as at the door I saw my frineds and their curious gazes but I didn’t pay them heed.

“I’m going home.”

“What? Jihoon? Tangina naman, ano nanaman ang problema mo? You nanay mo nanaman?”

And I don’t know what hit me but the last string of my patience snap at Donghan retort. So, I threw a punch, hard enough to lessen my frustration. To atleast lessen the pain I kept on holding back.

I did that and turn away. I can her their shouts but I didn’t mind it at all.

I just need to punch something, anything.

I just need to get away, I just need to let this tears fall without anyone looking. I just need to be away because everything starts to suffocate me.

And when I felt like I’m in a distance far enough from everybody who knows me, my knees gave up.

The tears that I’ve been holding back for so long finally came out.

**FXCK!!!!! FXCK!!!! FXCKKKKKKK!!!!!**

_I kept repeating and shouting that word as I bite my lips until it bled._


	25. Interlude (Daniel)

**Interlude.**

Daniel’s POV

His smile.

His lips.

His warmth.

His voice.

His cute laughs.

His skin.

His soft hands.

His genuineness and love.

Jihoon.

The guy I know I won’t ever deserve that’s why I don’t know what to feel when he said he likes me, when he first gave me his body, when he said that he believes in me and that I’m important to him.

I want to be happy with him.

I want to let go every fear I have in my body just for him.

But at the same time, that realization terrifies me.

I felt free but also frightened…will he really accept me?

My thoughts had always been filled of his images, I can’t even forgot his voice when he sung ‘Fools’ by Troye Sivan, it keeps on ringing on my head and It always takes me back to that time when he was in my apartment. At that moment, I knew I’m unsalvageable.

I knew I was drowning to the image of him.

To his everything.

I couldn’t breathe but I was not looking for air.

I was looking for _him_.

To the only one that really mattered.

* * *

I’m lounging at my girlfriend’s apartment while thinking of Jihoon and I know I need to tell Belle everything.

After that night in Tagaytay, I just know I can’t continue my relationship with Belle anymore, so I waited for her. I told her that she can take her time but we need to talk no matter what.

And she agreed, I’m pretty sure she knows that I’ll be breaking up with her, that today will be the last time we’re going to be together, so I let her take her time. Because I know that the love is long gone. I know that we both don’t feel the same way as before. This is not what love feels like, and I would not have known it if not for Jihoon.

I waited for hours that day but she didn’t come she said she’s busy and I have to understand her. She’s working and stressed so I tried to be as open-minded as I can.

I told her I understand and I’ll see her tomorrow.

She said, ‘Okay.’

I left soon after to look for Jihoon, I need to see him to feel okay, to not blow off and make bad decisions.

So, I texted him, “Where are you?”

But before he could reply, I went straight to his classroom and saw that his period just ended.

I smiled as I waited for him.

I saw how his face lit up the moment of eyes met, he hurriedly went out and grab my hand where we run away to some place other than the halls close to fill people up.

I kept on grinning while I follow his short limbs. They’re as cute as him.

We went straight to a little isolated corner of the school, I can’t even be bothered by the specifics, we went there and I kissed him passionately, hungrily. Like I was inhaling oxygen after being put in a suffocating water. I kissed him like it’s the first I tasted a cake, it’s new and exciting. I can taste his tongue into mine but it didn’t felt disgusting nor forced. It felt t=like we’re meant to be. Like there’s no way that this lips could be taken by any other man than me.

Thinking about it made me bit Jihoon’s bottom lip causing for him to gasp giving me more access to his beautiful mouth. And that made me want to kiss him more…but I know I have to stop.

I need to tell him something.

“I ended it with Belle.”

I saw how his expressions change but I can’t quite get what it meant. It wasn’t what I expected.

_Does he not want us to be serious? Am I moving too fast?_

His simple change of expression made me changed my mood.

And it made me feel terrified how he can affect my emotions at that level.

I made me feel unguarded…

Unsafe

And that made me wonder if I’ll survive that feeling.

I can still hear his voice, his explanations and I can hear myself saying something back but every time I hear his response, it’s like I always end-up thinking he’ll leave once I became imperfect and flawed.

It might be just my insecurities but when he said, _“I don’t need any more crazy people in life”_

That’s when I thought, Belle is right.

No one can accept me other than her.

And maybe it’s because Jihoon does not know everything about me but…. I can’t bear to be the reason for his smile to fade.

I know I can’t make him happy anyways…so I turned my back and gave a small mile before I run back to Belle’s apartment.

* * *

Days past and Sunday came.

I am taking shelter at Belle’s apartment like a stray dog but that’s not just it… I feel a lot shittier because whenever I’m not sleeping all I can think about is him.

Him and his gentle gazes

Him and his silly jokes

Him and the sounds he does naturally that makes me laugh.

Him and his weird humor.

Him…..

Just him…

Him while I’m inside Belle’s arms.

Him while I’m trying to kiss her.

And this is making me crazy.

…what the actual fuck?

And when I heard the piano playing suddenly from the stereo that’s when I said to myself…

_Okay na yung wala akong kasama na iba, kung hindi din lang siya._

_Mas okay na ung pakiramdam ng mag-isa kesa ung may kasama akong iba pero siya pa rin yung hinahanap ko._

_Okay lang na tapusin na…_

That’s when it hit me. I can’t be with Belle anymore even if I tried. That this was not like any other relationship I had before. This was not like what my other flings felt like.

That after how many years… I can have that courage to let go of my safety net.

So, I fixed my body that had been lying on her arms and finally able to say it, “Belle…let’s stop this.”

I was so used to Belle agreeing with my every whim that I thought she will agree to it, thinking I’ll come back again after being tired of playing around. He knows me to be that kind of person. That’s why I didn’t expect to hear, “NO,” from her.

“Why?”

“This time I know you’ll never come back if I’ll let you go and I can’t have that Niel. Not in this lifetime. No.”

She said that while tears kept falling from her beautiful eyes.

It hurts…

But it felt more like a sympathy.

Love had been like a foreign feeling for the both of us. It was like we’re only together because we’re too afraid of being alone.

It was a relationship that’s so smooth that you can’t felt your skin burning yet wanting to keep hurting but wanting the pain because how you deeply love the person.

It did not feel like when I am with Jihoon. It didn’t felt anything near that.

“I’m sorry.” And meant it.

But she won’t let me go. “No. Not yet. Please I’m begging. Atleast give me just one night. Just give me this. Please…wag mo muna akong iwan, NIel.”

I sighed.

“Fine. Anong gusto mong gawin?” I can’t say no to her, she’s been with me for as long as I can remember, she tolerated all of my shits and this is the first time I saw her so terrified…so terrified and it might be cold but we can’t continue this.

“But Belle…you know this will be the last time…right? Di na natin pwedeng ipilit, we’ve been running in circles so many times. This…you know this will not last forever, right? You know how both of us tried to make us work…pero kase Belle… habang pinipilit natin, lalo lang siyang hindi nagiging okay eh, lalo lang nasisira yung meron satin. Belle, I found that person I want to be happy with. Please… let me go. After this, please let me go.” I said almost begging, I looked at her fierce red eyes, totally different from her usual chic and classy look and she’s indignant when said, “You and I both know you’ll come back at me again, right? You know that your boy toy won’t accept you willingly like I do everytime, you know that right?”

I lightly smiled at her and said, almost positively, “Not this time Belle, even he won’t accept me, I won’t come running back to you. You don’t need to worry about me anymore.”

She sighed, almost giving up, “I will keep the doors open. I will wait for you.”

“Don’t. I told you, I won’t come back, right?”

“Whatever, I never heard that before but you always come back. Anyway, Lulu invited us on her party tonight. You need to come with me, no matter what.”

I sighed, I guess I really did have a record of running off based on my whims, I know she believe me so I just have to prove it.

“Fine, what time?”

“We can go there maybe by 8-8:30”

“Okay.”

And we stayed there at her apartment until it’s time to go.

My eyes were met with the flashing lights, drinking cups and loud music. It’s the usual party scene the only difference every time is the people you meet that it all felt ordinary. I have Belle in my arms as my eyes roam around the large crowd of students from different years trying to find the guy that kept on occupying my head for days until I felt a tug on my side.

“You promised me, you’re still my boyfriend tonight.”

_Bear with this Daniel…after this you’re free. Just bear with it for a while. There’s nothing wrong about it. You once love this person beside you._

“Yeah, fine.”

She kept dancing and having fun and I joined her fun like a proper boyfriend…like I promised.

Hours may have passed…I don’t know. I didn’t notice the time running. I was in my own bubble, blocking almost everything as I try to have fun.

So much fun that I didn’t notice Belle hand holding my neck and face getting nearer….until I tasted her lips.

That familiar strawberry chapstick I always taste whenever we kiss…but I miss a different taste. So much that I start seeing a different face…his face. Making me hold Belle’s jaws tugging him closer as I close my eyes imagining it’s him.

But her moan brought me back to reality. **_Fuck! She is not him. She’s not Jihoon. That is not how he groans from my every touch. That is not how it felt when I kiss him._**

** **

“I’m sorry. _This won’t work.”_ were my last words to her before walking away.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I just want to remind everyone again that this is a real-time au, so the updates are at the moments. :-)
> 
> I hope u can continue supporting this until the end.  
Love y'all!
> 
> Also for the people who only got to read this story in this platform, the main characters of this story have personal twitter accounts where they update things that happens in their lives. You can check out the link below to find their accts:
> 
> https://twitter.com/nielwinkfiles/status/1160139510371373056?s=19


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